After a week of isolation in my apartment, I decided it was time to rejoin society (not that Brock and Josh were society, but they were the best I could find at the time). First off, I knew to get friends you needed money, and lots of it. The band had been my only way to earn money before, and come to think of it, maybe that is why Brock and Josh were my only friends. I set out on my search, walking north towards the Burger King I knew would be there. Every now and then I would pass someone walking the other way and say hi. The only ones who responded were carrying all there belongings on their shoulder.
I arrived at Burger King and asked the manager if he could hire me. His answer showed me he was not the kind of man I wanted to associate with, because one of the first ten words he said to me was "work." On my way home I asked for a job in a grocery store, a bar, a hair salon, a 24 hour fitness, I even got desperate enough to try a Waste Management base; apparently they weren't desperate enough to hire me. Then I walked past a public swimming pool. As soon as I saw that life guard sitting in that big tall chair, drinking iced lemonade and yelling orders to all those naughty little kids ten feet below him, I knew that was what I wanted to do. So I asked him what I had to do to get that job. He said all I had to do was show the boss some papers proving I had been through life guard training, and I would be on the job in less than a week!
I have never learned how to be a life guard, much less how to swim, but I knew Josh had been a life guard before, so I phoned him up.
Josh: Hey! Wanna be friends?
Me: Sup, this is Jelly
Josh: Never mind then. What are you calling me for? You're going to ruin my luck! I just got the lucky 7-7-7! I'm rich!
Me: All I need is some papers saying I'm a lifeguard.
Josh: Why are you calling me then?
Me: Because you told me before that you had some.
Josh: Oh, well I gotta go now 'cause I just lost some money and know it's because I'm talking to you.
Me: Wait! Just tell me where you live and I'll come by and get them.
Josh: I just know that will end my lucky streak, but if you promise never to talk to me again, then come by 40452 Orange Rd, Los Angeles California.
Me: You live in LA?
Josh: Not yet, I'm going to move there with all this money I won. bye.
The next day I drove down to LA and got the papers from Josh. I guess he lost all his money after he hung up on me, but he met me at the address he had told me anyways. Now I was set for life. All I had to do was sit in my chair, drink lemonade, yell at little kids and earn gobs and gobs of money!
Showing posts with label phone. Show all posts
Showing posts with label phone. Show all posts
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
Friday, February 8, 2008
Valentine's, Shmalentine's
"Valentine's already? I'm still sick from the super bowl!"
That is what all males are thinking right now. Some who have girlfriends might be thinking: "What? I just worked overtime all month to pay for that Christmas date I had to take girlfriend on so she wouldn't dump me!"
Unfortunately, females don't think this way. For some reason, they don't have fun cleaning up after superbowl parties and they look forward to Valentine's. They think: "Yes! A time to relax, maybe boyfriend will take me to a really fancy dinner!"
My sister is one of those female types. One problem though: she does not have a boyfriend, and I don't have a girlfriend. For the past week she has been walking around the house looking very depressed. Yesterday morning, I saw her walking down the hallway, more depressed than usual. I decided to cheer her up, so I said: "Good morning! Why don't you stop being depressed?" I immediately realized my mistake. I could imagine what was coming next.
"YOU GOOD FOR NOTHING LITTLE NOSY UNCARING WRETCH!"
Then she would proceed to thrash me into a million pieces. The only way to handle women is to compliment them. But don't get carried away. For example, if I had said "My, you look much better than usual today," she would have snapped out of depression on the spot; and started thrashing me all the same.
But my sister did nothing I expected. Instead she got all excited and yelled "thank-you, thank-you, thank-you! I'm so happy now, I could scream!" Then she screamed and busted my eardrums. Now this was a very strange reaction, so I called up a female counselor and asked what it meant. Guess what? Now I have to take my sister to the fanciest restaurant in San Francisco to keep her from becoming permanently depressed! My counselor told me that when I talked to my sister yesterday, she was so depressed she thought I asked if I could take her to dinner since she had no one else to take her. Now I walk around the house all day long, looking extremely depressed. My sister never even notices. Maybe I will let you know how the dinner goes. Then again, maybe you don't want to know.
That is what all males are thinking right now. Some who have girlfriends might be thinking: "What? I just worked overtime all month to pay for that Christmas date I had to take girlfriend on so she wouldn't dump me!"
Unfortunately, females don't think this way. For some reason, they don't have fun cleaning up after superbowl parties and they look forward to Valentine's. They think: "Yes! A time to relax, maybe boyfriend will take me to a really fancy dinner!"
My sister is one of those female types. One problem though: she does not have a boyfriend, and I don't have a girlfriend. For the past week she has been walking around the house looking very depressed. Yesterday morning, I saw her walking down the hallway, more depressed than usual. I decided to cheer her up, so I said: "Good morning! Why don't you stop being depressed?" I immediately realized my mistake. I could imagine what was coming next.
"YOU GOOD FOR NOTHING LITTLE NOSY UNCARING WRETCH!"
Then she would proceed to thrash me into a million pieces. The only way to handle women is to compliment them. But don't get carried away. For example, if I had said "My, you look much better than usual today," she would have snapped out of depression on the spot; and started thrashing me all the same.
But my sister did nothing I expected. Instead she got all excited and yelled "thank-you, thank-you, thank-you! I'm so happy now, I could scream!" Then she screamed and busted my eardrums. Now this was a very strange reaction, so I called up a female counselor and asked what it meant. Guess what? Now I have to take my sister to the fanciest restaurant in San Francisco to keep her from becoming permanently depressed! My counselor told me that when I talked to my sister yesterday, she was so depressed she thought I asked if I could take her to dinner since she had no one else to take her. Now I walk around the house all day long, looking extremely depressed. My sister never even notices. Maybe I will let you know how the dinner goes. Then again, maybe you don't want to know.
Friday, October 19, 2007
Why I do not have a cell phone
Some may be wondering how a teenager could ever live without a cell phone. Well frankly, I don't. I just use my mom's. Which I hate doing. Here is a conversation that may show why:
We are driving into town.
Mom: Hey Jellyfish, why don't you call Big-Al to set up a time to hang out?
Me: That would be cool, but can you talk to him?
*Here you could be thinking I am very unsocial, but I assure you, this sentence was simply generated from experience in the realm of scheduling over the phone.
Mom: He's your friend. Here, it's dialing.
Me: But-
Big Al: Hi! I must be popular!
Me: Sup, this is Jelly.
Big: Sup dawg!
Me: I wanted to know when you could hang out?
Big: Dude, I'm busy all day.
Me: He's busy all day.
Big: Huh?
Mom: Ask about tomorrow. Gets out her planner.
Me: I was talking to Mom.
Mom: Maybe 2:00.
Big: You're with my mom? I've been looking all over for her!
Me: No! I'm with MY mom.
Mom: Why won't 2 work?
Me: Look out!
Mom: Whoa! Lots of screeching noises as our car dodges in and out of trees in an orchard.
Big: For what?
Me: I was un! talking ahh! to my help! mom.
Big: Whats going on!
Me: ugg! Car jolts over ditch back onto road (Lots of honking and screeching)
Mom: That idiot just cut me off!
Me: You're the one who's driving crazy!
Big: I'm at a stop light, how can I be driving crazy?
Me: I was talking to mom again!
Mom: How 'bout 4:oo?
Big: Oh, well I thought you called to talk to me, not your mom.
Me: Will 4 work?
Mom: That's what I just said!
Big: For what?
Jelly hands phone to his mom.
Me: You talk to him.
At this point, Mom talks to my friend all the way into town, laughing the whole way, and forgets to set a time to hang out. Why am I always the victim?
We are driving into town.
Mom: Hey Jellyfish, why don't you call Big-Al to set up a time to hang out?
Me: That would be cool, but can you talk to him?
*Here you could be thinking I am very unsocial, but I assure you, this sentence was simply generated from experience in the realm of scheduling over the phone.
Mom: He's your friend. Here, it's dialing.
Me: But-
Big Al: Hi! I must be popular!
Me: Sup, this is Jelly.
Big: Sup dawg!
Me: I wanted to know when you could hang out?
Big: Dude, I'm busy all day.
Me: He's busy all day.
Big: Huh?
Mom: Ask about tomorrow. Gets out her planner.
Me: I was talking to Mom.
Mom: Maybe 2:00.
Big: You're with my mom? I've been looking all over for her!
Me: No! I'm with MY mom.
Mom: Why won't 2 work?
Me: Look out!
Mom: Whoa! Lots of screeching noises as our car dodges in and out of trees in an orchard.
Big: For what?
Me: I was un! talking ahh! to my help! mom.
Big: Whats going on!
Me: ugg! Car jolts over ditch back onto road (Lots of honking and screeching)
Mom: That idiot just cut me off!
Me: You're the one who's driving crazy!
Big: I'm at a stop light, how can I be driving crazy?
Me: I was talking to mom again!
Mom: How 'bout 4:oo?
Big: Oh, well I thought you called to talk to me, not your mom.
Me: Will 4 work?
Mom: That's what I just said!
Big: For what?
Jelly hands phone to his mom.
Me: You talk to him.
At this point, Mom talks to my friend all the way into town, laughing the whole way, and forgets to set a time to hang out. Why am I always the victim?
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