PC MotorX

In the past I have been accused of posting only my adventures that contained lots of gore. I must agree. However, this is only because I think they are my only adventures worth posting.

So this time I will post my adventure in PC formatting.

It was a cloudless day, so I decided to go take a ride on my bike. As I backed my low-emission, ultra-light, non-fat, vitamin-enhanced, no-plants-or-animals-harmed-in-the-making Honda out of my garage, I could not help feeling good about how successful the fight to let every human follow their roots and do what felt right to them was going. I turned the key and felt my engine purr to life. I tell you what, nothing beats an electric motor. All you have to do is plug it in, and in 3hours it will magically be ready for an entire 20mile trip!

I looked down the road stretching in front of me. A warm feeling crept around me as I watched a bunny rabbit hop unheeding in the same direction I was traveling. I decided I should learn something from nature, so I followed the bunny. Soon we were out in the country going at a peaceful, relaxed pace. Here and there the bunny stopped to nibble some grass. What a perfect picture of what humanity should be: each member should go along peacefully minding only their own business, taking only what they need from the communal basket of goods and services provided by the overseeing organization of the world. Even while I was in the middle of this thought, an unnatural sound began to grow and shake the very earth I was traveling over.

Then I saw it coming fast. It was one of those monsters of society, one of those evil machines of destruction, one of those max-emission, ultra-heavy, toy-hauling destroyers of civilization.
Yes, it was an SUV!!

I floored my Honda to try and warn my bunny friend, but it was too late! The red liquid of life was spilling from his white coat of holiness. Suddenly a butterfly flew past me and landed on bunny. Bunny is probably happier as a butterfly anyways.

Life in the Spotlight, part 5

After a week of isolation in my apartment, I decided it was time to rejoin society (not that Brock and Josh were society, but they were the best I could find at the time). First off, I knew to get friends you needed money, and lots of it. The band had been my only way to earn money before, and come to think of it, maybe that is why Brock and Josh were my only friends. I set out on my search, walking north towards the Burger King I knew would be there. Every now and then I would pass someone walking the other way and say hi. The only ones who responded were carrying all there belongings on their shoulder.
I arrived at Burger King and asked the manager if he could hire me. His answer showed me he was not the kind of man I wanted to associate with, because one of the first ten words he said to me was "work." On my way home I asked for a job in a grocery store, a bar, a hair salon, a 24 hour fitness, I even got desperate enough to try a Waste Management base; apparently they weren't desperate enough to hire me. Then I walked past a public swimming pool. As soon as I saw that life guard sitting in that big tall chair, drinking iced lemonade and yelling orders to all those naughty little kids ten feet below him, I knew that was what I wanted to do. So I asked him what I had to do to get that job. He said all I had to do was show the boss some papers proving I had been through life guard training, and I would be on the job in less than a week!
I have never learned how to be a life guard, much less how to swim, but I knew Josh had been a life guard before, so I phoned him up.

Josh: Hey! Wanna be friends?
Me: Sup, this is Jelly
Josh: Never mind then. What are you calling me for? You're going to ruin my luck! I just got the lucky 7-7-7! I'm rich!
Me: All I need is some papers saying I'm a lifeguard.
Josh: Why are you calling me then?
Me: Because you told me before that you had some.
Josh: Oh, well I gotta go now 'cause I just lost some money and know it's because I'm talking to you.
Me: Wait! Just tell me where you live and I'll come by and get them.
Josh: I just know that will end my lucky streak, but if you promise never to talk to me again, then come by 40452 Orange Rd, Los Angeles California.
Me: You live in LA?
Josh: Not yet, I'm going to move there with all this money I won. bye.

The next day I drove down to LA and got the papers from Josh. I guess he lost all his money after he hung up on me, but he met me at the address he had told me anyways. Now I was set for life. All I had to do was sit in my chair, drink lemonade, yell at little kids and earn gobs and gobs of money!

Valentine's, Shmalentine's

"Valentine's already? I'm still sick from the super bowl!"

That is what all males are thinking right now. Some who have girlfriends might be thinking: "What? I just worked overtime all month to pay for that Christmas date I had to take girlfriend on so she wouldn't dump me!"

Unfortunately, females don't think this way. For some reason, they don't have fun cleaning up after superbowl parties and they look forward to Valentine's. They think: "Yes! A time to relax, maybe boyfriend will take me to a really fancy dinner!"


My sister is one of those female types. One problem though: she does not have a boyfriend, and I don't have a girlfriend. For the past week she has been walking around the house looking very depressed. Yesterday morning, I saw her walking down the hallway, more depressed than usual. I decided to cheer her up, so I said: "Good morning! Why don't you stop being depressed?" I immediately realized my mistake. I could imagine what was coming next.

"YOU GOOD FOR NOTHING LITTLE NOSY UNCARING WRETCH!"

Then she would proceed to thrash me into a million pieces. The only way to handle women is to compliment them. But don't get carried away. For example, if I had said "My, you look much better than usual today," she would have snapped out of depression on the spot; and started thrashing me all the same.


But my sister did nothing I expected. Instead she got all excited and yelled "thank-you, thank-you, thank-you! I'm so happy now, I could scream!" Then she screamed and busted my eardrums. Now this was a very strange reaction, so I called up a female counselor and asked what it meant. Guess what? Now I have to take my sister to the fanciest restaurant in San Francisco to keep her from becoming permanently depressed! My counselor told me that when I talked to my sister yesterday, she was so depressed she thought I asked if I could take her to dinner since she had no one else to take her. Now I walk around the house all day long, looking extremely depressed. My sister never even notices. Maybe I will let you know how the dinner goes. Then again, maybe you don't want to know.

Life in the Spotligh, part four

When Gore started yelling we finally woke up. He was walking calmly around the room, smashing pitchers, throwing chairs, kicking mirrors; he was amazing. I have never seen such professional fit throwing in my life! We all retreated to the bathroom and locked ourselves in. After an emergency consultation (and placing a poll on the web), we decided to come out fighting.
We threw open the door and charged out yelling with all our might. Gore glared at us and suddenly we found ourselves retreating again. Al made a pounce in our direction and then Brock whispered, "Why did you wake us up!?"



Encouraged by this, Josh yelled "WE QUIT!! HA! HA! HA! NOW WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO?" Gore lunged at us, grabbed us by the back of our necks and dumped us in a pile in the gutter. He then climbed into his tiny green tricycle car and proceeded to putt-putt down the road. 10 minutes and 3 feet later, I saw Al get out of the car, pick it up, and slam it repeatedly against a wall. Then I blacked out.


When I woke up, I was lying on the cement floor of a jail cell. Apparently the Vegas police system thought Josh, Brock and I were just a few wednesday morning drunks. After being released, we were hauled off to the Las Vegas Sanitary Facility, otherwise known as the dump. Soon all three of us had collected a few instruments and we decided to put on a show for those dull Waste Management workers.


This time, Josh had an old ukulele, Brock was on a broken piano, and I had a broom for a mic. Under the circumstances, I thought it sounded pretty good. Some guy started playing this cool beat behind us. It sounded like "beep, beep, beep, beep..." Maybe we should have got the hint, but we didn't, and the truck ran us over.


Now we are all home, separated forever. We decided being around each other gave us all bad luck. So much for my band.

Shakespeare: A Shakescam

Shakespeare was a scam! Come to think of it, he still is! He is simply the face for the cheating industry of arts to hide behind! He never wrote a single play. Or tragedy. Or poem. Or comedy. Or romance. Or, well, you get the point. He was an illiterate bum, living off the hard work of others. He just sat around all day watching super bowl pre-plays and eating popcorn!

I am sure this is all old news to some of you, but nobody knows who really wrote all those long boring money grabbing works of "art," and I am nobody. Soon I won't be nobody though, 'cause I'm going to proclaim this to the whole world! Maybe I'll even make a movie! I will get so well known, I will become president and outlaw works by "Shakespeare." Maybe I'll even find his descendants and throw them all in jail!

So who really wrote all that Shakespeare stuff? His wife and kids! Not only was he a bum, he was a heartless slave driver, and his slaves were his family. He forced them to write, and when they wrote something that he did not like, he whipped them every hour for the next twenty-four hours! When they wrote something he did like, he published it under his name and got more popcorn money!

Eventually, his family got fed up. But they didn't do anything, except write some more. Finally Shakespeare's wife died and his kids all ran away. From that day until he died he had no food at all. Poor guy. I know what it is like to not have food and try to watch football. It isn't very fun. You sit there knowing the fridge is full of food, but you never go get some because then all your friends make you get something for them. So you all wait, and wait and soon everyone is passed out from hunger.

So I am calling for a world-wide boycott of Shakespeare! He is the reason there is never enough food for the football games. He must be taken care of, and then all us football addicts can once again live in peace!

Over waxed plank + skinny long rail = hilarious jibulation comedy!!!

That is a pretty interesting combination isn't it?? Well, you are about to read a story about the inspiration to this title. First let me define some of the supo - wiry terms used above.

Over waxed - Excess wax on object causing the sliding action to be very out of control.

Plank - A board of some sort used for sliding, spanking, building and many other things.

Skinny - Not much width (hmm)

Long rail - a slippery length of steel usually used for support but many times used for sliding over.

Hilarious - funny

Jibulation - extreme tricks for one to show off their style!

Now for the story:

The other day I was Snowboarding at a ski resort in the Central Sierra Nevadas. While there I decide to test my limits in the park; I was hoping to jib the kinked rail (a rail that abruptly changes directions from up to down to left to right and so on). As I passed over the park while riding the lift I was amused by watching people attempt the kinked rail. Some were amazing and some were lame. I was especially impressed by a skier who landed with his skis split parallel to the rail. He rode it like that the whole way!! I wished that I was flexible like him...although I'm pretty sure that it had an effect on someone's destiny.

All of a sudden I heard yelling and other unmentionables!! I soon realized that while watching the people below I had passed the lift exit zone and was now on my way back down the hill! When I came around again I made sure to exit at the right time but I still ended up leaving a part of me behind (I really need to work on exiting the chair).

Soon I was on the path toward the kinky, butterflies building, and as I zoned in on my mission time sloooowwed doooowwn. Wooooshhh! I flowed onto the rail and then time sped up and I was sliding on my bottom all the way down. Ouch! I've never had such a sore bum!! You might be thinking that it was the impact that really hurt but actually it was two laws of physics that came into play.

Let me explain. First, metal hitting metal can cause sparks and this happened when the metal edge of my board shot across the rail. When two surfaces scrape together, friction comes into play and when conditions and length of time are right, heat can be released in large amounts. So, first there was a spark, then there was my rear causing friction with the rail, and the next thing I felt was intense heat and a burning sensation under me as I slid more and more.

The next day I was in the hospital with a 2nd degree burn and a tip of the tailbone fracture. The doctor told me to always wear bottom pads from now on so now when I snowboard people tease me about being poofy.

Jellyfish Rides!

I have a friend who lives on a ranch. Amazing, isn't it? I agree, it's absolutely amazing that I have a friend. Anyways, the ranch has horses. The other day my friend invited me to come ride a horse at his ranch. Ok, ok, to be totally honest my friend (Fred) is antisocial, to me anyways, so I had to help him invite me. So yesterday I showed up at his house, ready to ride! Fred already had my horse saddled and put in a skinny little stall so that the horse could not move. Fred said this was so I could get on easier. Fred explained everything about riding a horse, then strapped some spurs to my yellow mud boots and gave me a slap on the back that nearly broke my neck. As I was climbing down onto the horse, it was jumping up, trying to get out of the stall. Fred said that was a good sign, it meant the horse would be really docile when it was let into the big arena.
With a bit of trouble, I finally got my hands strapped down onto the horse. I never realized before that you were supposed to strap down your hands so tight. Fred opened the gate and the horse took off, bucking all around the arena. I frantically tried with all my might to slam my spurs into the horses rump like Fred had told me to do to make him slow down, but it wasn't working. The horse bucked me off over and over, but since my hands were strapped to him I always ended up back on top again. This was a wild ride! Once or twice the horse bucked me off on his side, then ran sideways against the wall, crushing every bone in my body. Finally the horse bucked me so hard, one of my hands tore off at the wrist, allowing me to slip the other one out.
After laughing his head off, Fred called an ambulance to take me to the hospital. I tell you what, hospital life is good! All the food you can eat, video games (which I can't play with only one hand), no school and lots of TV. Fred has invited me to come back any time, which I will do as soon as I have my new hand. This time, though, I'll be sure to kick even harder.

Rain and Snow!

It was raining! So, logically, that meant that somewhere it was snowing! Well, I wanted to know exactly where it was snowing, because I like to ski and you can't ski on a river. My brother and I grabbed our gear and loaded up in the car. We had been driving for about five minutes, going about 65-70mph when we started hydroplaning. Now anybody but my brother would have freaked out and let the car fix itself, but my bro was not about to let a chance to have fun slip away that easy. He slammed the brake, locking up the wheels, and yanked the steering to the right. Soon we were going sideways down the road at about 70mph. I naturally screamed and threw up my hands as I would do on a roller coaster (my brother later used it as evidence that i was scared). Now that we were sideways, my brother added an extra twist: He hammered the gas pedal. We suddenly regained traction and shot off the road, launching off the embankment. We must have got twenty feet of air!
Soon we found some snow. Around 1:00pm we had finally built a jump and were getting comfortable on it. My brother wanted to do a flip. He was flying down the slope toward the jump, when he decided to try a new trick instead. He fell and began rolling head over heels down the hill. Soon he had become a huge snowball. The snowball launched off the jump and flew all the way until it landed on our car. The snowball splattered all over, revealing my bro. A week later he said it was the funnest thing he ever did, but just then all he was saying was "wahoooo he ha howtch hee hah!" I wasn't sure, but I thought he was telling me to take him home, which I did; well...sorta. On the way home, I saw a patch of ice. I was a fast learner and so I did what I knew my brother would do: drive right onto the ice. When the car began to slide, I hit the brakes and turned the wheel. This time the car did not turn, it careened right off the side of the cliff! Stupid car!
When life flight finally arrived, they were nothing but a pain. All they could say about the fun I just had was that I should have put my bro inside the car instead of leaving him on the roof where he landed. Party-pooping paramedics!

Why I do not have a cell phone

Some may be wondering how a teenager could ever live without a cell phone. Well frankly, I don't. I just use my mom's. Which I hate doing. Here is a conversation that may show why:

We are driving into town.

Mom: Hey Jellyfish, why don't you call Big-Al to set up a time to hang out?

Me: That would be cool, but can you talk to him?

*Here you could be thinking I am very unsocial, but I assure you, this sentence was simply generated from experience in the realm of scheduling over the phone.

Mom: He's your friend. Here, it's dialing.

Me: But-

Big Al: Hi! I must be popular!

Me: Sup, this is Jelly.

Big: Sup dawg!

Me: I wanted to know when you could hang out?

Big: Dude, I'm busy all day.

Me: He's busy all day.

Big: Huh?

Mom: Ask about tomorrow. Gets out her planner.

Me: I was talking to Mom.

Mom: Maybe 2:00.

Big: You're with my mom? I've been looking all over for her!

Me: No! I'm with MY mom.

Mom: Why won't 2 work?

Me: Look out!

Mom: Whoa! Lots of screeching noises as our car dodges in and out of trees in an orchard.

Big: For what?

Me: I was un! talking ahh! to my help! mom.

Big: Whats going on!

Me: ugg! Car jolts over ditch back onto road (Lots of honking and screeching)

Mom: That idiot just cut me off!

Me: You're the one who's driving crazy!

Big: I'm at a stop light, how can I be driving crazy?

Me: I was talking to mom again!

Mom: How 'bout 4:oo?

Big: Oh, well I thought you called to talk to me, not your mom.

Me: Will 4 work?

Mom: That's what I just said!

Big: For what?

Jelly hands phone to his mom.

Me: You talk to him.

At this point, Mom talks to my friend all the way into town, laughing the whole way, and forgets to set a time to hang out. Why am I always the victim?