An Epic Skiing Adventure, Part Three

Jellyfish had just performed a beautiful, inverted-180 and was on the downwind
side of the jump when I flew off it at about 80mph. My cowboy hat and shades had left me long ago, and I was left with only my t-shirt, poles and Bermuda shorts.
As I flew over nearly all the trails between “BIG JUMP” and the lodge, a sudden
rush of fear jolted me with the realization that I might not have a good chance of landing very well, or even surviving this jump. - An Epic Skiing Adventure, Part Two

As I soared through the air, a thought occurred to me. What had become of my good pal Jellyfish? I'd seen him perform his near perfect inverted 180, but after that I had no idea how he'd faired on "Big Staircase" (the only foreseeable landing pad for "Big Jump"). So naturally, I was worried.

Now it turns out that Jellyfish, upon leaving the lip of the jump, realized he had not taken a good look at the landing pad. In his effort to look down and plan his landing, Jell ended up pointing his head in that very direction. The fact that he was still facing backwards with his head turned to see where he was going caused his whole body to suddenly spin back around. He was nearing the ground when one of his skis nicked a rail and the momentum sent him flying towards the side of the run where he hit an especially soft and deep snowbank, and climbed out perfectly fine.

I however, did not know this. So with all my might I tried desperately to turn myself around in mid-air to look for him. However, because of the near 50-mph winds and my velocity of 80-MPH, my efforts did not command the desired result, but did prove to change my course in a direction aiming strait for the lodge. At this point, seeing the advantage of the high-speed winds involved, I held out my arms and legs in an effort to increase my surface area in order to decrease my velocity & impending collision with the northeast wall of the lodge. My method worked to some degree, but having misjudged my exact elevation, & ability to increase my surface area, I ended up having to performing a second jump (off the roof of the lodge), sending me a further 20-ft or so.



Aiming for the passenger seat of a comfortable looking red convertible, I unsnapped my skis, threw them in the back seat, and landed (with only slight discomfort) next to a formidable looking businessman in a ski-suit and tie with a fresh steaming-hot cup of jelly in my cup holder. Speaking of jelly, my thoughts immediately turned to my trusty friend...



Jellyfish, having been witness to this entire streak of uncanny luck, and observing that in at least one area the snow-bank had risen high enough to reach the roof of the lodge, endeavoured to attempt a similar feat. It was imperative that the driver of the said convertible should stop, giving Jellyfish a steady landing pad. This he did, and Jellyfish, having securely stowed his ski's in the same seat I had, landed (with a thud) in the seat directly behind me. Although we both suffered some minor back injuries from our respective landings, we still had an enjoyable time on the way home, recounting our recent events with our new found Chauffeur, the good businessman Mr. James Clydesdale from Buckingham Massachusetts.

An Epic Skiing Adventure, part one

Well the other day my friend jellyfish and I done went and headed up to the mountains to do a little skiing, an like jellyfish always says about me: "I ain't much of a skier, but I sure would like to think I am!" So when we got there, we past through the ski lodge like a whirling dervish in an attempt to be the first ones on the ski slopes. It ensued that we in fact were the first folks in line for the big chair lift that takes you up to the top of the mountain. However, when we got there we took tally, and discovered were short; Jellyfishes polls, chew'n gum, and right glove, and that I had left my lucky ski helmet, goggles, and pants at home and instead was wearing, my cowboy hat, sun-glasses, and fabulous electric-green Bermuda shorts! But after putting our heads together, Jellyfish and I came to the conclusion that these were only miner setbacks, and that we wouldn't want to hold up a good ski day for such vanities.

See, Jellyfish and I know each other well enough to know that nether one of us would be so foolish as to let the loss of some important safety equipment get in the way of shredding the gnar. Naw', we know'z we'z brighter 'n 'at!

Getting on the chair lift was a trifle difficult seeing as we were distracted by the ski patrol guy's gliding down the mountain and gloating at us, saying that we would never really be the first ones on the mountain. But after only three serendipities of us falling off, the lift being stopped, putting our skies back on, and trying again, we achieved our goal. During one of these attempts however, Jellyfish ended up sprawled out in such a way that overly burlesqued one of the ski parolee's near fall upon determining our identities. But after all this, we were finally on our way to the gnarly POW we'd been dreaming of for months.

Over waxed plank + skinny long rail = hilarious jibulation comedy!!!

That is a pretty interesting combination isn't it?? Well, you are about to read a story about the inspiration to this title. First let me define some of the supo - wiry terms used above.

Over waxed - Excess wax on object causing the sliding action to be very out of control.

Plank - A board of some sort used for sliding, spanking, building and many other things.

Skinny - Not much width (hmm)

Long rail - a slippery length of steel usually used for support but many times used for sliding over.

Hilarious - funny

Jibulation - extreme tricks for one to show off their style!

Now for the story:

The other day I was Snowboarding at a ski resort in the Central Sierra Nevadas. While there I decide to test my limits in the park; I was hoping to jib the kinked rail (a rail that abruptly changes directions from up to down to left to right and so on). As I passed over the park while riding the lift I was amused by watching people attempt the kinked rail. Some were amazing and some were lame. I was especially impressed by a skier who landed with his skis split parallel to the rail. He rode it like that the whole way!! I wished that I was flexible like him...although I'm pretty sure that it had an effect on someone's destiny.

All of a sudden I heard yelling and other unmentionables!! I soon realized that while watching the people below I had passed the lift exit zone and was now on my way back down the hill! When I came around again I made sure to exit at the right time but I still ended up leaving a part of me behind (I really need to work on exiting the chair).

Soon I was on the path toward the kinky, butterflies building, and as I zoned in on my mission time sloooowwed doooowwn. Wooooshhh! I flowed onto the rail and then time sped up and I was sliding on my bottom all the way down. Ouch! I've never had such a sore bum!! You might be thinking that it was the impact that really hurt but actually it was two laws of physics that came into play.

Let me explain. First, metal hitting metal can cause sparks and this happened when the metal edge of my board shot across the rail. When two surfaces scrape together, friction comes into play and when conditions and length of time are right, heat can be released in large amounts. So, first there was a spark, then there was my rear causing friction with the rail, and the next thing I felt was intense heat and a burning sensation under me as I slid more and more.

The next day I was in the hospital with a 2nd degree burn and a tip of the tailbone fracture. The doctor told me to always wear bottom pads from now on so now when I snowboard people tease me about being poofy.

Rain and Snow!

It was raining! So, logically, that meant that somewhere it was snowing! Well, I wanted to know exactly where it was snowing, because I like to ski and you can't ski on a river. My brother and I grabbed our gear and loaded up in the car. We had been driving for about five minutes, going about 65-70mph when we started hydroplaning. Now anybody but my brother would have freaked out and let the car fix itself, but my bro was not about to let a chance to have fun slip away that easy. He slammed the brake, locking up the wheels, and yanked the steering to the right. Soon we were going sideways down the road at about 70mph. I naturally screamed and threw up my hands as I would do on a roller coaster (my brother later used it as evidence that i was scared). Now that we were sideways, my brother added an extra twist: He hammered the gas pedal. We suddenly regained traction and shot off the road, launching off the embankment. We must have got twenty feet of air!
Soon we found some snow. Around 1:00pm we had finally built a jump and were getting comfortable on it. My brother wanted to do a flip. He was flying down the slope toward the jump, when he decided to try a new trick instead. He fell and began rolling head over heels down the hill. Soon he had become a huge snowball. The snowball launched off the jump and flew all the way until it landed on our car. The snowball splattered all over, revealing my bro. A week later he said it was the funnest thing he ever did, but just then all he was saying was "wahoooo he ha howtch hee hah!" I wasn't sure, but I thought he was telling me to take him home, which I did; well...sorta. On the way home, I saw a patch of ice. I was a fast learner and so I did what I knew my brother would do: drive right onto the ice. When the car began to slide, I hit the brakes and turned the wheel. This time the car did not turn, it careened right off the side of the cliff! Stupid car!
When life flight finally arrived, they were nothing but a pain. All they could say about the fun I just had was that I should have put my bro inside the car instead of leaving him on the roof where he landed. Party-pooping paramedics!