Buying a New Car is a Nightmare

My old dump truck was fixing to give up the ghost, so instead of repairing it again, I thought it would be a good idea to look into buying a new car. Maybe it was, maybe it wasn't. At any rate, I headed down to the local automall, happy and ignorant, not having the slightest idea what was in store for me.

I made my first stop at the first dealership I came to. I think it was one of those new Japanese-style shops because the people there couldn't stop staring at my dump truck, wondering how horrible the gas mileage was, and thinking what a horrible person I must be to own a vehicle like that. This kind of turned me off, especially after they tried to make me eat their day-old sushi, and to top it off, all their cars were little, not the sort of cars you get into, but the type you put on, like a pair of jeans in the morning. Small, gas-saving enviro-hybrids that let out a polite toot when you press the accelerator down. This was definitely not for me.


I drove down to the next lot where they had nicer people, serving fried chicken wings. Their line up consisted of trucks and sports cars, and seeing as I did want something slightly more economical then my dump truck, I decided to test drive a sports car. This thing looked cool! When I turned the key, the engine purred to life and the cybernetic-ultra-1000 artificial intelligence system asked me how my day was and if she could assist me in any way. This rather startled me and I slowly responded:


Me: I'm fine, how about yourself?


Car: Oh, quite well sir, you honor me by speaking so kindly. Is there anything at all that I might do to be of assistance?


Me: Well I would like a cup of coffee...


Car: Coming right up, sir.


Car: What are you doing!!!!!!!!!


Me: Um, merging into traffic?


Car: You just violated 16 known traffic laws! I will be forced to report you to the local authorities.


Me: (sheepishly) That's really not necessary.


Car: I'm afraid I automatically e-mailed the police department and two cars are on there way as we speak.


Me: You crazy @#$%^ car!


Car: Everything you do or say may be used against you in a court of law.


Me: Noooooo!!!! Help!!!!!


Pinching myself, I woke up from the maddening dream. Needless to say, I will not be purchasing a new vehicle any time soon.

PC MotorX

In the past I have been accused of posting only my adventures that contained lots of gore. I must agree. However, this is only because I think they are my only adventures worth posting.

So this time I will post my adventure in PC formatting.

It was a cloudless day, so I decided to go take a ride on my bike. As I backed my low-emission, ultra-light, non-fat, vitamin-enhanced, no-plants-or-animals-harmed-in-the-making Honda out of my garage, I could not help feeling good about how successful the fight to let every human follow their roots and do what felt right to them was going. I turned the key and felt my engine purr to life. I tell you what, nothing beats an electric motor. All you have to do is plug it in, and in 3hours it will magically be ready for an entire 20mile trip!

I looked down the road stretching in front of me. A warm feeling crept around me as I watched a bunny rabbit hop unheeding in the same direction I was traveling. I decided I should learn something from nature, so I followed the bunny. Soon we were out in the country going at a peaceful, relaxed pace. Here and there the bunny stopped to nibble some grass. What a perfect picture of what humanity should be: each member should go along peacefully minding only their own business, taking only what they need from the communal basket of goods and services provided by the overseeing organization of the world. Even while I was in the middle of this thought, an unnatural sound began to grow and shake the very earth I was traveling over.

Then I saw it coming fast. It was one of those monsters of society, one of those evil machines of destruction, one of those max-emission, ultra-heavy, toy-hauling destroyers of civilization.
Yes, it was an SUV!!

I floored my Honda to try and warn my bunny friend, but it was too late! The red liquid of life was spilling from his white coat of holiness. Suddenly a butterfly flew past me and landed on bunny. Bunny is probably happier as a butterfly anyways.

Rain and Snow!

It was raining! So, logically, that meant that somewhere it was snowing! Well, I wanted to know exactly where it was snowing, because I like to ski and you can't ski on a river. My brother and I grabbed our gear and loaded up in the car. We had been driving for about five minutes, going about 65-70mph when we started hydroplaning. Now anybody but my brother would have freaked out and let the car fix itself, but my bro was not about to let a chance to have fun slip away that easy. He slammed the brake, locking up the wheels, and yanked the steering to the right. Soon we were going sideways down the road at about 70mph. I naturally screamed and threw up my hands as I would do on a roller coaster (my brother later used it as evidence that i was scared). Now that we were sideways, my brother added an extra twist: He hammered the gas pedal. We suddenly regained traction and shot off the road, launching off the embankment. We must have got twenty feet of air!
Soon we found some snow. Around 1:00pm we had finally built a jump and were getting comfortable on it. My brother wanted to do a flip. He was flying down the slope toward the jump, when he decided to try a new trick instead. He fell and began rolling head over heels down the hill. Soon he had become a huge snowball. The snowball launched off the jump and flew all the way until it landed on our car. The snowball splattered all over, revealing my bro. A week later he said it was the funnest thing he ever did, but just then all he was saying was "wahoooo he ha howtch hee hah!" I wasn't sure, but I thought he was telling me to take him home, which I did; well...sorta. On the way home, I saw a patch of ice. I was a fast learner and so I did what I knew my brother would do: drive right onto the ice. When the car began to slide, I hit the brakes and turned the wheel. This time the car did not turn, it careened right off the side of the cliff! Stupid car!
When life flight finally arrived, they were nothing but a pain. All they could say about the fun I just had was that I should have put my bro inside the car instead of leaving him on the roof where he landed. Party-pooping paramedics!

Life in the Spotlight, part three

Now that Christmas is over (well, Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas) I will begin to relate my adventures with Al Gore.

Brock, Josh, and I got together for an emergency jam session to try and come up with a song. We had about ten minutes before we were going to be picked up when we decided to forget about the song and pack for the trip to Vegas. A half hour later an electric tricycle showed up in front of my house. That thing was so small! We all tried to get in at the same time with all our luggage, but before any of us even had a leg in, the whole vehicle tipped over on its side. After fifteen minutes of rolling the "car" around the front yard, we decided to leave everything but our carry-ons. Even then we couldn't fit the driver.

We arrived at the airport, jumped on board Gore's 747 and buckled down. After takeoff, Gore gave us a private tour of his Boeing. It was amazing! The plane had a fully loaded game room, a swimming pool, and even a bar. Al Gore also told us the airlimo was equipped with twice the turbines of the average 747 so it could travel faster, the only side effect of this improvement was that it made the plane 15% less efficient than a b-52.

We were in vegas an hour later. Gore forgot to get us food, but what was worse than starving was trying to get to sleep while Brock and Josh whined because they lost the toss and had to sleep on the floor. That king size temperpudic bed sure felt nice though.

When Gore came to get us the next morning, he realized that we did not have our instruments. How were we going to explain this?