Buying a New Car is a Nightmare

My old dump truck was fixing to give up the ghost, so instead of repairing it again, I thought it would be a good idea to look into buying a new car. Maybe it was, maybe it wasn't. At any rate, I headed down to the local automall, happy and ignorant, not having the slightest idea what was in store for me.

I made my first stop at the first dealership I came to. I think it was one of those new Japanese-style shops because the people there couldn't stop staring at my dump truck, wondering how horrible the gas mileage was, and thinking what a horrible person I must be to own a vehicle like that. This kind of turned me off, especially after they tried to make me eat their day-old sushi, and to top it off, all their cars were little, not the sort of cars you get into, but the type you put on, like a pair of jeans in the morning. Small, gas-saving enviro-hybrids that let out a polite toot when you press the accelerator down. This was definitely not for me.


I drove down to the next lot where they had nicer people, serving fried chicken wings. Their line up consisted of trucks and sports cars, and seeing as I did want something slightly more economical then my dump truck, I decided to test drive a sports car. This thing looked cool! When I turned the key, the engine purred to life and the cybernetic-ultra-1000 artificial intelligence system asked me how my day was and if she could assist me in any way. This rather startled me and I slowly responded:


Me: I'm fine, how about yourself?


Car: Oh, quite well sir, you honor me by speaking so kindly. Is there anything at all that I might do to be of assistance?


Me: Well I would like a cup of coffee...


Car: Coming right up, sir.


Car: What are you doing!!!!!!!!!


Me: Um, merging into traffic?


Car: You just violated 16 known traffic laws! I will be forced to report you to the local authorities.


Me: (sheepishly) That's really not necessary.


Car: I'm afraid I automatically e-mailed the police department and two cars are on there way as we speak.


Me: You crazy @#$%^ car!


Car: Everything you do or say may be used against you in a court of law.


Me: Noooooo!!!! Help!!!!!


Pinching myself, I woke up from the maddening dream. Needless to say, I will not be purchasing a new vehicle any time soon.

PC MotorX

In the past I have been accused of posting only my adventures that contained lots of gore. I must agree. However, this is only because I think they are my only adventures worth posting.

So this time I will post my adventure in PC formatting.

It was a cloudless day, so I decided to go take a ride on my bike. As I backed my low-emission, ultra-light, non-fat, vitamin-enhanced, no-plants-or-animals-harmed-in-the-making Honda out of my garage, I could not help feeling good about how successful the fight to let every human follow their roots and do what felt right to them was going. I turned the key and felt my engine purr to life. I tell you what, nothing beats an electric motor. All you have to do is plug it in, and in 3hours it will magically be ready for an entire 20mile trip!

I looked down the road stretching in front of me. A warm feeling crept around me as I watched a bunny rabbit hop unheeding in the same direction I was traveling. I decided I should learn something from nature, so I followed the bunny. Soon we were out in the country going at a peaceful, relaxed pace. Here and there the bunny stopped to nibble some grass. What a perfect picture of what humanity should be: each member should go along peacefully minding only their own business, taking only what they need from the communal basket of goods and services provided by the overseeing organization of the world. Even while I was in the middle of this thought, an unnatural sound began to grow and shake the very earth I was traveling over.

Then I saw it coming fast. It was one of those monsters of society, one of those evil machines of destruction, one of those max-emission, ultra-heavy, toy-hauling destroyers of civilization.
Yes, it was an SUV!!

I floored my Honda to try and warn my bunny friend, but it was too late! The red liquid of life was spilling from his white coat of holiness. Suddenly a butterfly flew past me and landed on bunny. Bunny is probably happier as a butterfly anyways.

Moonvertizing

The other day I decided to start my own company. At first this seemed like the best idea I'd had since my ears dried. Then when I actually thought about it, I realized I now had to think of what my company would be. This was very hard for me, because my #1 favorite thing to do is stare at the sky and think about nothing. So when I started trying to think, that is exactly what I did. I stared at the sky.

Then I stared some more.

And some more.

Then, without me even knowing how, it suddenly hit me! MOONVERTIZING!!! This was the middle of the day though, so there was no moon out at all. I had no clue how I had thought of this, but I was not about to go back to thinking to figure it out.

Now there was another problem: what did moonvertizing mean? After 2 days of sleeping on it (no, I didn't sleep all day both days), I had it all set in my mind, and that is where I'm at now.

For the next few days, I am going to lock myself in my room and invent the High Powered Super-Duper Mega-x5000 Lazer Moonprojector! (Maybe by then I will know what the x5000 stands for). Anyways, here's the intro I wrote for the grand unveiling of my idea:

Ladies and gentlemen!!! Attention. No don't leave! Hey you! Over there! Get back here! Presenting the most amazing modern marvel in history! The HPS-DMx5000L Moonprojector! But you can't see it yet, because it hasn't been invented yet. But make sure to be outside for the next full moon, because if you are, you might be the first person to ever see a moonvertizement!

Note: If you would like your company moonvertized, please send me an email (and about $1,000,000) and I will be sure to schedule you for the next available full moon.

Flats Happen

Today I went on a bicycle ride to get relaxed after my hand/spur surgery. I soon realized, though, that changing gears is harder with a spur than with a hand, but I made up for it by getting a good laugh every time I spurred a friend to make him ride faster. You should have seen them take off! Pretty soon I was all alone. A bad mistake. After just a few miles, my tire suddenly blew up, rocketing me two hundred feet into the clear blue sky. For a few quarter seconds I forgot about the danger I was in and was only conscious of how good it felt to be flying. Suddenly all thought of flight flew from my mind as my face contacted asphalt and proceeded to shave my face down to the bone. Then I woke up.

Ok, so this is what really happened: My friends made me work so hard I decided to fake I had a flat. Then I fell asleep on the side of the road and dreamed this whole story up to tell them when they came back to find me, which they didn't do. Instead they all went out for lunch and enjoyed my non-presence. While I waddled the 250 miles home I decided I would try something new: not get a flat next time I rode. Also maybe flying wasn't such a bad idea.

A Wet Day

Note: This story is in response to a writing prompt that was forced from the great mind of the author. The writing prompt was as follows: Pretend you are a rain drop for a day bla bla bla...

The other day I awoke with a start. My legs and arms felt strangely liquid. I looked and saw, to my horror, that I had become a raindrop! I was falling through thin air towards a very large city. Looking around I saw thousands of other raindrops just like me.

Suddenly I hit the ground with a splash. A car roared over me, it's rear wheel throwing me high in the sky. Before I could reach the ground again, another car careened straight into me. I only had a split second to catch my breath before being flung into a storm drain by the windshield-wiper.

In the drain I was immediately rushed off to a lake, along with many other raindrops. Here I was able to rest a short time. Soon, however, and without warning, a huge fish swam up to me...and started licking my face!

Back in my bedroom, I realized I had fallen out of my bed, my head landing in my dog's water dish. Ol' Ruff was standing above me, his tongue poised above my thinking cap. It had only been a dream.