It's a Blustery Day In the Neighborhood

Remember that crazy wind we had a few days ago? If you don't, you must not be from NorCal. However, I am proud to say that all of us here at UH... are not biased against anybody except those we choose to be biased against, so you can still read this post. Back to the relevant details:

The 22nd of May here in NorCal, it was a very windy day. Many people decided to stay indoors during the wind storm, thus missing out on all the fun one can have with wind. I was not one of those people. I decided to get my skateboard and go wind sailing down a smooth road. So I loaded up a couple PVC pipes, a large sheet and my skateboard and drove to the nearest smooth road I knew of: Interstate 5.

I parked on the side of the road and began setting up my equipment. Within minutes I was standing on my board sailing along with about a quarter sail in the wind. Apparently some people did not like my pioneering of this new sport; I could deduce as much from the honking, gesturing and yelling of most of the cars that passed me. Suddenly I heard sirens, so I naturally turned my head to see who the cop was after. This caused me to swerve across two lanes and into the fast lane with the cop car coming on at a furious pace. I knew I needed lots of speed really soon to avoid a collision with the cop, so I opened up full sail. I shot forward with a lunge and was quickly gaining on and passing many of the cars that had passed me before. Luckily the cop car stayed pretty close behind me, so the traffic parted before me like the red sea before Moses.

I continued like this for a few miles, when suddenly the road pitched upwards and I realized I was on one of the exits that go from the fast lane into a three way intersection in the sky. I was on a death path straight through the intersection and into a 6 foot wall on the other side. I knew what I needed to do, so I did it. I held my sail with one hand, held onto my board with the other hand, and jumped as high as I could. The sail lifted me over the wall safely, then slowly lowered me towards the ground. When I say slowly, I mean I was falling slowly, but I was still being propelled at over 100mph. When I touched down, I was jerked forward and then I felt like I was in a giant tumble dryer on its highest setting.

When my kinetic energy was finally exhausted, I looked behind me. About 40 feet above and 1000 feet behind me I saw an overpass with a gaping hole in its wall. 10 feet behind me I saw the burning remains of a dodge charger with blinking lights on its roof. I struggled to my hands and knees and crawled over to the wreckage. Inside was an unconscious middle-aged man. I pulled him out of the vehicle and had barely drug him 5 feet when the entire car blew up into a million pieces and everything went black.

The next thing I remember is waking up in an uncomfortable bed with a thousand bright flashes going off in my face. When the flashing calmed down I saw hundreds of photographers and reporters yelling questions at me. At that point I remembered nothing, so somebody told everyone to be quiet and told me that a witness had seen me pull a man out of his burning car just before it blew up. Was this true? I said yes, even though I had no clue if it was or not. Then a doctor told me I had pieces of shrapnel all in my back, so I couldn't leave the hospital for a few weeks. Then the reporters started screaming again, the room started spinning and everything went black. The next morning I awoke in time to have somebody shove a newspaper in my face. The front page was all about me and how I was the greatest hero of all time! The man I saved from the car said he didn't remember anything that had happened or why he was in a burning car, and I wasn't about to enlighten him.

Life in the Spotlight, part six

It was pretty easy to pull the wool over the head lifeguard's eyes. It seems they were short handed and needed someone real bad. The dude hardly even glanced at my papers before telling me I started in two days. He said my papers showed I had done some lifeguarding before, so he wouldn't bother going over my duties, except to show me where the lemon squeezer and ice were. So two days later at noon I was all settled in my high chair, shaded by an umbrella and sipping lemonade. As far as I could tell I was the only staff member there, so I didn't even pretend to be for real. The day went smoothly besides the few times some kids tried to climb out of the pool, but after some firm shoves and a little yelling I managed to keep all those brats in the water.
The next day is when it all happened. I was sitting on my throne, sipping my lemonade and controlling my pool with an iron fist, when some kid started screaming that he was drowning. Then my self-sacrificing instinct kicked in. Soon I had climbed down from my chair, ran over to the steps, climbed down the steps, and sunk to the bottom. Now it was an all out fight for survival. I thrashed, kicked and struggled for what seemed like hours, all to no avail. My life flashed before me in a time-lapse slideshow. Could this really be the heroic end to my wonderful life? No! I would never give up! I must complete my mission, impossible though it may seem. So I struggled onwards and downwards. Then it all came to an end as suddenly as it had begun. I felt my limp body being drug across the cement deck. I slowly and painfully lifted my eyelids. All I could see was a blinding white light. As the light faded, I became aware of three kids, not over ten years old, pulling me by the arms and head. Then my ears emptied of water and I heard a torrent of laughter that rolled on and on. Looking around I saw hundreds of kids rolling on the ground erupting with merriment.
After my brief encounter with the shallow end of the pool and what followed immediately thereafter, I have decided to retire from the lifeguard corps and find another career path to follow. I am still looking and any suggestions are welcome.

An Epic Skiing Adventure, Part Three

Jellyfish had just performed a beautiful, inverted-180 and was on the downwind
side of the jump when I flew off it at about 80mph. My cowboy hat and shades had left me long ago, and I was left with only my t-shirt, poles and Bermuda shorts.
As I flew over nearly all the trails between “BIG JUMP” and the lodge, a sudden
rush of fear jolted me with the realization that I might not have a good chance of landing very well, or even surviving this jump. - An Epic Skiing Adventure, Part Two

As I soared through the air, a thought occurred to me. What had become of my good pal Jellyfish? I'd seen him perform his near perfect inverted 180, but after that I had no idea how he'd faired on "Big Staircase" (the only foreseeable landing pad for "Big Jump"). So naturally, I was worried.

Now it turns out that Jellyfish, upon leaving the lip of the jump, realized he had not taken a good look at the landing pad. In his effort to look down and plan his landing, Jell ended up pointing his head in that very direction. The fact that he was still facing backwards with his head turned to see where he was going caused his whole body to suddenly spin back around. He was nearing the ground when one of his skis nicked a rail and the momentum sent him flying towards the side of the run where he hit an especially soft and deep snowbank, and climbed out perfectly fine.

I however, did not know this. So with all my might I tried desperately to turn myself around in mid-air to look for him. However, because of the near 50-mph winds and my velocity of 80-MPH, my efforts did not command the desired result, but did prove to change my course in a direction aiming strait for the lodge. At this point, seeing the advantage of the high-speed winds involved, I held out my arms and legs in an effort to increase my surface area in order to decrease my velocity & impending collision with the northeast wall of the lodge. My method worked to some degree, but having misjudged my exact elevation, & ability to increase my surface area, I ended up having to performing a second jump (off the roof of the lodge), sending me a further 20-ft or so.



Aiming for the passenger seat of a comfortable looking red convertible, I unsnapped my skis, threw them in the back seat, and landed (with only slight discomfort) next to a formidable looking businessman in a ski-suit and tie with a fresh steaming-hot cup of jelly in my cup holder. Speaking of jelly, my thoughts immediately turned to my trusty friend...



Jellyfish, having been witness to this entire streak of uncanny luck, and observing that in at least one area the snow-bank had risen high enough to reach the roof of the lodge, endeavoured to attempt a similar feat. It was imperative that the driver of the said convertible should stop, giving Jellyfish a steady landing pad. This he did, and Jellyfish, having securely stowed his ski's in the same seat I had, landed (with a thud) in the seat directly behind me. Although we both suffered some minor back injuries from our respective landings, we still had an enjoyable time on the way home, recounting our recent events with our new found Chauffeur, the good businessman Mr. James Clydesdale from Buckingham Massachusetts.

Buying a New Car is a Nightmare

My old dump truck was fixing to give up the ghost, so instead of repairing it again, I thought it would be a good idea to look into buying a new car. Maybe it was, maybe it wasn't. At any rate, I headed down to the local automall, happy and ignorant, not having the slightest idea what was in store for me.

I made my first stop at the first dealership I came to. I think it was one of those new Japanese-style shops because the people there couldn't stop staring at my dump truck, wondering how horrible the gas mileage was, and thinking what a horrible person I must be to own a vehicle like that. This kind of turned me off, especially after they tried to make me eat their day-old sushi, and to top it off, all their cars were little, not the sort of cars you get into, but the type you put on, like a pair of jeans in the morning. Small, gas-saving enviro-hybrids that let out a polite toot when you press the accelerator down. This was definitely not for me.


I drove down to the next lot where they had nicer people, serving fried chicken wings. Their line up consisted of trucks and sports cars, and seeing as I did want something slightly more economical then my dump truck, I decided to test drive a sports car. This thing looked cool! When I turned the key, the engine purred to life and the cybernetic-ultra-1000 artificial intelligence system asked me how my day was and if she could assist me in any way. This rather startled me and I slowly responded:


Me: I'm fine, how about yourself?


Car: Oh, quite well sir, you honor me by speaking so kindly. Is there anything at all that I might do to be of assistance?


Me: Well I would like a cup of coffee...


Car: Coming right up, sir.


Car: What are you doing!!!!!!!!!


Me: Um, merging into traffic?


Car: You just violated 16 known traffic laws! I will be forced to report you to the local authorities.


Me: (sheepishly) That's really not necessary.


Car: I'm afraid I automatically e-mailed the police department and two cars are on there way as we speak.


Me: You crazy @#$%^ car!


Car: Everything you do or say may be used against you in a court of law.


Me: Noooooo!!!! Help!!!!!


Pinching myself, I woke up from the maddening dream. Needless to say, I will not be purchasing a new vehicle any time soon.

All Humans Must Die!!!

Yup you heard it. All people must, for the good of the Earth, sacrifice themselves to pave the way for the next "set" of intelligent creatures to arise through millions of years of evolution. Did you know that the Human species has evolved to such intelligence that Humans have defied the limits of Nature and now pose the greatest threat ever to set foot on the planet? This threat is bigger than any meteor, flood, hurricane, fire, freeze or any other disaster imagined...err... found, by leading Scientists to be the cause of the dinosaurs' extinction. This disaster is global warming due to over population. Yes, you and I must die...that is the only way to make sure this planet can survive this danger.

Of course if you don't want to die just promise to never enable another Human to live. If this is the path you want to follow read about it here:

http://www.worldnetdaily.com/index.php?fa=PAGE.view&pageId=63755

Before jumping to conclusions please realize that this actually is NOT the belief of UH... Actually we believe in the survival of the fittest! So actually we need to rise up and make sure that other intelligent species are kept in check this way we remain most powerful on earth. The closest species to the human is no doubt the Orangutan. Thankfully due to forests being chopped their population remains in check. Unfortunately, wackos think that this is bad and lumber jacks need to be stopped but then again these same wackos think that if they die the earth will be a better place. I could not disagree!... If they wipe themselves out who can stand in the way of powerful tree cutters? Little green scooter against 30in. chainsaw?? 'Nough said.

Actually UH...Doesn't go that far either. But do you see how absurd people can get??

Starting a garden...

...is really easy; and you save money on vegetables. Right? That's what I thought until I tried it. Below is a record of how yet another of my bright ideas came to nothing:

It was a beautiful day as I sat in the shade watching the weeds grow. I was supposed to be getting my garden started, but first I had to make a plan. So there I was, sipping lemonade and sitting in my hammock on the back porch. I knew what I had to do first: rent a rototiller and get rid of those weeds. So I jumped in the car and flew to the nearest tractor store. As I walked around the store I questioned my motives for starting a garden. Maybe this wasn't so inexpensive after all. But then agai,n I guess I do spend more than $300 on vegetables every year. So I went ahead and rented the $300 rototiller. This wasn't any ordinary tiller either: it was self-driven. All I had to do was set what speed I wanted and off it would go. At least, that's what the guy in the store said.

When I got home I couldn't wait to try out this fancy tiller. I pulled it out of the back of my car and pushed it around to the backyard. Then I pushed the little bubbly thingy, pulled the little stick back, and yanked the big long string. I could tell this thing had power as it sat there purring away. Then I took hold of the shift stick and threw it into full speed ahead! The machine drove right across the back yard, plowing up the earth as it went, then through the back fence and across the neighbor's lawn, eating up chairs, barbecues, and anything else that got in its way. I realized I would have to start following it if I wanted to see the rest of the show, so I took off running. After going through the back wall of the neighbor's garage and out through their closed garage door, the tiller finally came to a rest after being hit by a special edition 2010 Cadillac Escalade.

Now I am sitting in my hammock on the back porch watching the weeds grow and writing about my adventures. After paying for the replacement of the rototiller, I have decided gardening is not as cheap as I thought. From now on I will be proud every time I buy a box of tomatoes, knowing I am saving thousands of dollars.

PC MotorX

In the past I have been accused of posting only my adventures that contained lots of gore. I must agree. However, this is only because I think they are my only adventures worth posting.

So this time I will post my adventure in PC formatting.

It was a cloudless day, so I decided to go take a ride on my bike. As I backed my low-emission, ultra-light, non-fat, vitamin-enhanced, no-plants-or-animals-harmed-in-the-making Honda out of my garage, I could not help feeling good about how successful the fight to let every human follow their roots and do what felt right to them was going. I turned the key and felt my engine purr to life. I tell you what, nothing beats an electric motor. All you have to do is plug it in, and in 3hours it will magically be ready for an entire 20mile trip!

I looked down the road stretching in front of me. A warm feeling crept around me as I watched a bunny rabbit hop unheeding in the same direction I was traveling. I decided I should learn something from nature, so I followed the bunny. Soon we were out in the country going at a peaceful, relaxed pace. Here and there the bunny stopped to nibble some grass. What a perfect picture of what humanity should be: each member should go along peacefully minding only their own business, taking only what they need from the communal basket of goods and services provided by the overseeing organization of the world. Even while I was in the middle of this thought, an unnatural sound began to grow and shake the very earth I was traveling over.

Then I saw it coming fast. It was one of those monsters of society, one of those evil machines of destruction, one of those max-emission, ultra-heavy, toy-hauling destroyers of civilization.
Yes, it was an SUV!!

I floored my Honda to try and warn my bunny friend, but it was too late! The red liquid of life was spilling from his white coat of holiness. Suddenly a butterfly flew past me and landed on bunny. Bunny is probably happier as a butterfly anyways.