PC MotorX

In the past I have been accused of posting only my adventures that contained lots of gore. I must agree. However, this is only because I think they are my only adventures worth posting.

So this time I will post my adventure in PC formatting.

It was a cloudless day, so I decided to go take a ride on my bike. As I backed my low-emission, ultra-light, non-fat, vitamin-enhanced, no-plants-or-animals-harmed-in-the-making Honda out of my garage, I could not help feeling good about how successful the fight to let every human follow their roots and do what felt right to them was going. I turned the key and felt my engine purr to life. I tell you what, nothing beats an electric motor. All you have to do is plug it in, and in 3hours it will magically be ready for an entire 20mile trip!

I looked down the road stretching in front of me. A warm feeling crept around me as I watched a bunny rabbit hop unheeding in the same direction I was traveling. I decided I should learn something from nature, so I followed the bunny. Soon we were out in the country going at a peaceful, relaxed pace. Here and there the bunny stopped to nibble some grass. What a perfect picture of what humanity should be: each member should go along peacefully minding only their own business, taking only what they need from the communal basket of goods and services provided by the overseeing organization of the world. Even while I was in the middle of this thought, an unnatural sound began to grow and shake the very earth I was traveling over.

Then I saw it coming fast. It was one of those monsters of society, one of those evil machines of destruction, one of those max-emission, ultra-heavy, toy-hauling destroyers of civilization.
Yes, it was an SUV!!

I floored my Honda to try and warn my bunny friend, but it was too late! The red liquid of life was spilling from his white coat of holiness. Suddenly a butterfly flew past me and landed on bunny. Bunny is probably happier as a butterfly anyways.

Life in the Spotlight, part 5

After a week of isolation in my apartment, I decided it was time to rejoin society (not that Brock and Josh were society, but they were the best I could find at the time). First off, I knew to get friends you needed money, and lots of it. The band had been my only way to earn money before, and come to think of it, maybe that is why Brock and Josh were my only friends. I set out on my search, walking north towards the Burger King I knew would be there. Every now and then I would pass someone walking the other way and say hi. The only ones who responded were carrying all there belongings on their shoulder.
I arrived at Burger King and asked the manager if he could hire me. His answer showed me he was not the kind of man I wanted to associate with, because one of the first ten words he said to me was "work." On my way home I asked for a job in a grocery store, a bar, a hair salon, a 24 hour fitness, I even got desperate enough to try a Waste Management base; apparently they weren't desperate enough to hire me. Then I walked past a public swimming pool. As soon as I saw that life guard sitting in that big tall chair, drinking iced lemonade and yelling orders to all those naughty little kids ten feet below him, I knew that was what I wanted to do. So I asked him what I had to do to get that job. He said all I had to do was show the boss some papers proving I had been through life guard training, and I would be on the job in less than a week!
I have never learned how to be a life guard, much less how to swim, but I knew Josh had been a life guard before, so I phoned him up.

Josh: Hey! Wanna be friends?
Me: Sup, this is Jelly
Josh: Never mind then. What are you calling me for? You're going to ruin my luck! I just got the lucky 7-7-7! I'm rich!
Me: All I need is some papers saying I'm a lifeguard.
Josh: Why are you calling me then?
Me: Because you told me before that you had some.
Josh: Oh, well I gotta go now 'cause I just lost some money and know it's because I'm talking to you.
Me: Wait! Just tell me where you live and I'll come by and get them.
Josh: I just know that will end my lucky streak, but if you promise never to talk to me again, then come by 40452 Orange Rd, Los Angeles California.
Me: You live in LA?
Josh: Not yet, I'm going to move there with all this money I won. bye.

The next day I drove down to LA and got the papers from Josh. I guess he lost all his money after he hung up on me, but he met me at the address he had told me anyways. Now I was set for life. All I had to do was sit in my chair, drink lemonade, yell at little kids and earn gobs and gobs of money!

Moonvertizing

The other day I decided to start my own company. At first this seemed like the best idea I'd had since my ears dried. Then when I actually thought about it, I realized I now had to think of what my company would be. This was very hard for me, because my #1 favorite thing to do is stare at the sky and think about nothing. So when I started trying to think, that is exactly what I did. I stared at the sky.

Then I stared some more.

And some more.

Then, without me even knowing how, it suddenly hit me! MOONVERTIZING!!! This was the middle of the day though, so there was no moon out at all. I had no clue how I had thought of this, but I was not about to go back to thinking to figure it out.

Now there was another problem: what did moonvertizing mean? After 2 days of sleeping on it (no, I didn't sleep all day both days), I had it all set in my mind, and that is where I'm at now.

For the next few days, I am going to lock myself in my room and invent the High Powered Super-Duper Mega-x5000 Lazer Moonprojector! (Maybe by then I will know what the x5000 stands for). Anyways, here's the intro I wrote for the grand unveiling of my idea:

Ladies and gentlemen!!! Attention. No don't leave! Hey you! Over there! Get back here! Presenting the most amazing modern marvel in history! The HPS-DMx5000L Moonprojector! But you can't see it yet, because it hasn't been invented yet. But make sure to be outside for the next full moon, because if you are, you might be the first person to ever see a moonvertizement!

Note: If you would like your company moonvertized, please send me an email (and about $1,000,000) and I will be sure to schedule you for the next available full moon.

In 'n' Out (part 2)

Sorry for not posting on this for a while but even though you haven't heard from us, it's only been a fortnight for Nan'da'man and me. So here we are at 9:42am the day we had an apointment at eight with the nice lady on the phone, our conversasion in the car on the way there sounded something like this:

Nan'da'man: Hey, weren't you s'posed to set the alarm last night?

Big Al: Well, yeah, but it was kinda difficult considering that the phone was in your pocket and you were already fast asleep when I got home!

Nan'da'man: Details, details, you dropped the ball, man!

At this point we had reached the nice lady's house. This postponed my trying to strangle Nan'da'man for the moment, which is probably a good thing considering he was driving.

We had found 2 old "in'n'out" bumper stickers in an leftover fast food bag the night before, which we stuck to the sides of our car which made us look like complete professionals, if I say so myself!

It could have been a combination these stickers, and the fact that we were 1hr.42min. late that caused the nice lady to be in a slightly egregious temper that morning. At any rate, here is an account of our introduction to her.

Ding dong!

"Oh, you two! I didn't take my son to school early for nothing you know! You were s'posed be here at eight, sharp! What's wrong with you!" She said, pointing a finger at Nan'da'man.

Not knowing exactly how to respond to this, Nan'da'man pointed at me, "It was all his fault! He didn't set the alarm last night!!!"

"You mean to tell me that you haven't even got the courtesy to get up on time for an apointment *YOU* set, and that I've been up half the night preparing for? Get out of here this instent and never shadow the doorstep again!!!"

Door slams!

Needless to say, this was my and Nan'da'man's last contracting job!

Morning Fun

Today, I awoke with a start. Then I knew why. My little brother was jumping on me and my bed screaming "MOM SAYS TO GET UP SLEEPY HEAD!!" My entire body felt sore and I was cramping all over. As soon as my brother saw I was awake, he ran with all his might out the door. I slowly and painfully pulled myself out of bed and went to find and punish this little imp. When I found him he was sitting on the back steps of our house. I made a raging charge towards him, ending in a gracefull but determined dive straight into our freshly cleaned glass sliding door. The door held firm, but my face didn't. Through a cloud of stars and blurriness I barely made out the form of a tiny human moving away toward the back gate.

My head was spinning, but after some self assesment I desided to once again pursue my prey. When I went outside, my brother walked right up to me wagging his tail. I immediately plunged, pinning him to the cement. But wait! I must be blind! This isn't my brother, it's my dog! After this incident, I desided to postpone the punishment of the imp until some stars had once again disappeared. After an hour of laying on the couch, no stars had left, but the sun had come. "Oh, I give up!" I said to myself aloud. Suddenly, there was Mr. Imp jumping all over me and the couch screaming "MOM SAYS IT'S TIME FOR SCHOOL!"

An Epic Skiing Adventure, part two

We rejoin Jellyfish and myself as we ride up the chair lift to the time of our lives.

Midway up the lift, I reached into my pocket looking for a starburst, only to find the Styrofoam safety hik-teeth momma billy done gave me. Sticking them in at just the right moment, so as Jellyfish wouldn't see me, I smiled big at the lift operator at the top and said: "Guess how long its been sense I brushed my teeph?".

Upon noticing this, Jellyfish felt a sudden urge to punch me across the jaw with great force. Good thing I had my safety teeth in or it would have hurt su'm awful. At any rate, once Jellyfish and I had finished our in-depth discussion on what we each considered correct lift operator relations, we proceeded to ski to the next lift at an alarmingly fast rate, which put the idea in our heads that we were ridiculously good skiers. This idea eventually forced us into the decision, which we would have inevitably made anyway, to go for the biggest park on the mountain!

We started off real good; Jellyfish went (straight) through the half pipe while I hit this huge rail (with my left pole). Soon we came to the largest jump on the mountain, from now on to be referred to as “BIG JUMP”. When we came to the place in the trail where offending snowboarders sit and wait for each other to break their necks on “BIG JUMP” before going down themselves, we stopped and just as I opened my mouth to say “we ought not try this” Jellyfish turned backwards on his skis, so as to pay better attention to me, and started sliding backwards. I reached for him but his hand slipped right through my glove, seeing as Jelly had no glove on that hand.

There were no possible means of prevention.

Jellyfish was forced to try the 540-inverted-aerial helicopter-grab move we had discussed on the chair lift. However, noting the terrified look on my friend's face, I made a gut decision when Jelly was halfway between “BIG JUMP” and myself. I decided to ski down as fast as I could, and catch Jelly in mid-air, thereby saving him from his impending destiny of collision with the staircase-rail, which was the only foreseeable landing pad for “BIG JUMP”. As I said, this was a gut decision and should not be scrutinized as if I had time to write an essay on the subject.

Jellyfish had just performed a beautiful, inverted-180 and was on the downwind side of the jump when I flew off it at about 80mph. My cowboy hat and shades had left me long ago, and I was left with only my t-shirt, poles and Bermuda shorts. As I flew over nearly all the trails between “BIG JUMP” and the lodge, a sudden rush of fear gave jolted me with the realization that I might not have a good chance of landing very well, or even surviving this jump.

Since it occurs to me that we have arrived at an entirely non-climactic interval, I think this a good time to end the post.

Of Sumo Wrestlers and Panda Bears

The other day I was thinking...Who would win in a wrestling match between a Sumo wrestler and a Panda? At first I figured a Panda would win because it has claws and it probably weighs more. On second thought, however, I decided that a Sumo wrestler would win because he has experience in the subject. But then again, Pandas are so huge, the panda would just sit on his haunches chewing bamboo while the sumo guy aimlessly pushed, pulled and tugged. So, this really did not get me anywhere. (If you are still reading you are probably as bored as me).

Next I thought about whether a ninja would win against a sumo wrestler. Ninjas are so cool and fast that this one is obvious...the ninja would come out on top. Then again...the sumo wrestler is so armored in fat and grease that the ninja's kicks, punches and chops would either bounce back or slip by the slick surface of the sumo wrestler. (If you are still reading I now know that you don't have much to do or that you are really horrible at prioritizing your schedule).

The conclusion I came to is that Sumos are the best fighters from the Asian region. Of course there are tigers, but I wanted to compare animals that can sit and eat with hands or paws.

Sumos are the new Ninja!!! If you want to buy "I am Sumo!!" t-shirts, let me know!