My old dump truck was fixing to give up the ghost, so instead of repairing it again, I thought it would be a good idea to look into buying a new car. Maybe it was, maybe it wasn't. At any rate, I headed down to the local automall, happy and ignorant, not having the slightest idea what was in store for me.
I made my first stop at the first dealership I came to. I think it was one of those new Japanese-style shops because the people there couldn't stop staring at my dump truck, wondering how horrible the gas mileage was, and thinking what a horrible person I must be to own a vehicle like that. This kind of turned me off, especially after they tried to make me eat their day-old sushi, and to top it off, all their cars were little, not the sort of cars you get into, but the type you put on, like a pair of jeans in the morning. Small, gas-saving enviro-hybrids that let out a polite toot when you press the accelerator down. This was definitely not for me.
I drove down to the next lot where they had nicer people, serving fried chicken wings. Their line up consisted of trucks and sports cars, and seeing as I did want something slightly more economical then my dump truck, I decided to test drive a sports car. This thing looked cool! When I turned the key, the engine purred to life and the cybernetic-ultra-1000 artificial intelligence system asked me how my day was and if she could assist me in any way. This rather startled me and I slowly responded:
Me: I'm fine, how about yourself?
Car: Oh, quite well sir, you honor me by speaking so kindly. Is there anything at all that I might do to be of assistance?
Me: Well I would like a cup of coffee...
Car: Coming right up, sir.
Car: What are you doing!!!!!!!!!
Me: Um, merging into traffic?
Car: You just violated 16 known traffic laws! I will be forced to report you to the local authorities.
Me: (sheepishly) That's really not necessary.
Car: I'm afraid I automatically e-mailed the police department and two cars are on there way as we speak.
Me: You crazy @#$%^ car!
Car: Everything you do or say may be used against you in a court of law.
Me: Noooooo!!!! Help!!!!!
Pinching myself, I woke up from the maddening dream. Needless to say, I will not be purchasing a new vehicle any time soon.
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