In 'n' Out (part 1)

Well, y'all may not know it, but ccgboyz and I decided to take up contracting as a second profession!!! (this here blogin' biz ain't producing a steady income yet). Neither one of us really knew that much about contracting, but once we found out that we both liked playing with building blocks when we was kids, the idea hit off right nice!

Seeing as we were new to the trade, we thought we'd start out right and put an ad in the paper saying that we was a big contracting operation 'a lookin fer work. But after waiting a few days, nothing happening, and receiving a bill for the ad (which we could't pay) things were looking pretty bleak. Therefore, when we received our first phone call from a kindly lady we say'd:

"Yo, this is In 'n' Out contracting, if you hire us we'll be in'n'out as fast as jiffy will lube your car!"

To that the lady simply replied:"Well, I would like to know if you could refer me to any subs who could do a small wiring job in my house?"

We consulted each other and both came to the conclusion that we did not know any sandwiches, but could definitely use some work. So called her back.

]Big Al:"Wal, that's actually just the type of work we do!"

Ccgboys:"Yes ma'm! In fact, we mean to do 'most all our work in house, at least 'till the weather clears up."

(The afore-mentioned statement was entirely lucky, and purly based on a desire to work inside while it was raining).

At this point the lady said:"That'll be perfect then, when can I expect you to stop by my house?"

To which we responded:"Let us check our fancy scheduling book for ya... Ah yes, you sure is lucky! We just had a cancellation tommorrow morning (this was sort of true, because we did give up watching football on our brand new couch w/a built in refrigerator that jellyfish doesn't know about) and we can squeeze you in right there, you can expect us around 8:00am."

To which she replied:"Isn't that a little fast?"

To which I said:"Wa'l, they don't call us In 'n' out for nothing!"

Boy, if we only knew what we were getting into...

Shakespeare: A Shakescam

Shakespeare was a scam! Come to think of it, he still is! He is simply the face for the cheating industry of arts to hide behind! He never wrote a single play. Or tragedy. Or poem. Or comedy. Or romance. Or, well, you get the point. He was an illiterate bum, living off the hard work of others. He just sat around all day watching super bowl pre-plays and eating popcorn!

I am sure this is all old news to some of you, but nobody knows who really wrote all those long boring money grabbing works of "art," and I am nobody. Soon I won't be nobody though, 'cause I'm going to proclaim this to the whole world! Maybe I'll even make a movie! I will get so well known, I will become president and outlaw works by "Shakespeare." Maybe I'll even find his descendants and throw them all in jail!

So who really wrote all that Shakespeare stuff? His wife and kids! Not only was he a bum, he was a heartless slave driver, and his slaves were his family. He forced them to write, and when they wrote something that he did not like, he whipped them every hour for the next twenty-four hours! When they wrote something he did like, he published it under his name and got more popcorn money!

Eventually, his family got fed up. But they didn't do anything, except write some more. Finally Shakespeare's wife died and his kids all ran away. From that day until he died he had no food at all. Poor guy. I know what it is like to not have food and try to watch football. It isn't very fun. You sit there knowing the fridge is full of food, but you never go get some because then all your friends make you get something for them. So you all wait, and wait and soon everyone is passed out from hunger.

So I am calling for a world-wide boycott of Shakespeare! He is the reason there is never enough food for the football games. He must be taken care of, and then all us football addicts can once again live in peace!

Over waxed plank + skinny long rail = hilarious jibulation comedy!!!

That is a pretty interesting combination isn't it?? Well, you are about to read a story about the inspiration to this title. First let me define some of the supo - wiry terms used above.

Over waxed - Excess wax on object causing the sliding action to be very out of control.

Plank - A board of some sort used for sliding, spanking, building and many other things.

Skinny - Not much width (hmm)

Long rail - a slippery length of steel usually used for support but many times used for sliding over.

Hilarious - funny

Jibulation - extreme tricks for one to show off their style!

Now for the story:

The other day I was Snowboarding at a ski resort in the Central Sierra Nevadas. While there I decide to test my limits in the park; I was hoping to jib the kinked rail (a rail that abruptly changes directions from up to down to left to right and so on). As I passed over the park while riding the lift I was amused by watching people attempt the kinked rail. Some were amazing and some were lame. I was especially impressed by a skier who landed with his skis split parallel to the rail. He rode it like that the whole way!! I wished that I was flexible like him...although I'm pretty sure that it had an effect on someone's destiny.

All of a sudden I heard yelling and other unmentionables!! I soon realized that while watching the people below I had passed the lift exit zone and was now on my way back down the hill! When I came around again I made sure to exit at the right time but I still ended up leaving a part of me behind (I really need to work on exiting the chair).

Soon I was on the path toward the kinky, butterflies building, and as I zoned in on my mission time sloooowwed doooowwn. Wooooshhh! I flowed onto the rail and then time sped up and I was sliding on my bottom all the way down. Ouch! I've never had such a sore bum!! You might be thinking that it was the impact that really hurt but actually it was two laws of physics that came into play.

Let me explain. First, metal hitting metal can cause sparks and this happened when the metal edge of my board shot across the rail. When two surfaces scrape together, friction comes into play and when conditions and length of time are right, heat can be released in large amounts. So, first there was a spark, then there was my rear causing friction with the rail, and the next thing I felt was intense heat and a burning sensation under me as I slid more and more.

The next day I was in the hospital with a 2nd degree burn and a tip of the tailbone fracture. The doctor told me to always wear bottom pads from now on so now when I snowboard people tease me about being poofy.

Flats Happen

Today I went on a bicycle ride to get relaxed after my hand/spur surgery. I soon realized, though, that changing gears is harder with a spur than with a hand, but I made up for it by getting a good laugh every time I spurred a friend to make him ride faster. You should have seen them take off! Pretty soon I was all alone. A bad mistake. After just a few miles, my tire suddenly blew up, rocketing me two hundred feet into the clear blue sky. For a few quarter seconds I forgot about the danger I was in and was only conscious of how good it felt to be flying. Suddenly all thought of flight flew from my mind as my face contacted asphalt and proceeded to shave my face down to the bone. Then I woke up.

Ok, so this is what really happened: My friends made me work so hard I decided to fake I had a flat. Then I fell asleep on the side of the road and dreamed this whole story up to tell them when they came back to find me, which they didn't do. Instead they all went out for lunch and enjoyed my non-presence. While I waddled the 250 miles home I decided I would try something new: not get a flat next time I rode. Also maybe flying wasn't such a bad idea.

Jellyfish Rides!

I have a friend who lives on a ranch. Amazing, isn't it? I agree, it's absolutely amazing that I have a friend. Anyways, the ranch has horses. The other day my friend invited me to come ride a horse at his ranch. Ok, ok, to be totally honest my friend (Fred) is antisocial, to me anyways, so I had to help him invite me. So yesterday I showed up at his house, ready to ride! Fred already had my horse saddled and put in a skinny little stall so that the horse could not move. Fred said this was so I could get on easier. Fred explained everything about riding a horse, then strapped some spurs to my yellow mud boots and gave me a slap on the back that nearly broke my neck. As I was climbing down onto the horse, it was jumping up, trying to get out of the stall. Fred said that was a good sign, it meant the horse would be really docile when it was let into the big arena.
With a bit of trouble, I finally got my hands strapped down onto the horse. I never realized before that you were supposed to strap down your hands so tight. Fred opened the gate and the horse took off, bucking all around the arena. I frantically tried with all my might to slam my spurs into the horses rump like Fred had told me to do to make him slow down, but it wasn't working. The horse bucked me off over and over, but since my hands were strapped to him I always ended up back on top again. This was a wild ride! Once or twice the horse bucked me off on his side, then ran sideways against the wall, crushing every bone in my body. Finally the horse bucked me so hard, one of my hands tore off at the wrist, allowing me to slip the other one out.
After laughing his head off, Fred called an ambulance to take me to the hospital. I tell you what, hospital life is good! All the food you can eat, video games (which I can't play with only one hand), no school and lots of TV. Fred has invited me to come back any time, which I will do as soon as I have my new hand. This time, though, I'll be sure to kick even harder.

Rain and Snow!

It was raining! So, logically, that meant that somewhere it was snowing! Well, I wanted to know exactly where it was snowing, because I like to ski and you can't ski on a river. My brother and I grabbed our gear and loaded up in the car. We had been driving for about five minutes, going about 65-70mph when we started hydroplaning. Now anybody but my brother would have freaked out and let the car fix itself, but my bro was not about to let a chance to have fun slip away that easy. He slammed the brake, locking up the wheels, and yanked the steering to the right. Soon we were going sideways down the road at about 70mph. I naturally screamed and threw up my hands as I would do on a roller coaster (my brother later used it as evidence that i was scared). Now that we were sideways, my brother added an extra twist: He hammered the gas pedal. We suddenly regained traction and shot off the road, launching off the embankment. We must have got twenty feet of air!
Soon we found some snow. Around 1:00pm we had finally built a jump and were getting comfortable on it. My brother wanted to do a flip. He was flying down the slope toward the jump, when he decided to try a new trick instead. He fell and began rolling head over heels down the hill. Soon he had become a huge snowball. The snowball launched off the jump and flew all the way until it landed on our car. The snowball splattered all over, revealing my bro. A week later he said it was the funnest thing he ever did, but just then all he was saying was "wahoooo he ha howtch hee hah!" I wasn't sure, but I thought he was telling me to take him home, which I did; well...sorta. On the way home, I saw a patch of ice. I was a fast learner and so I did what I knew my brother would do: drive right onto the ice. When the car began to slide, I hit the brakes and turned the wheel. This time the car did not turn, it careened right off the side of the cliff! Stupid car!
When life flight finally arrived, they were nothing but a pain. All they could say about the fun I just had was that I should have put my bro inside the car instead of leaving him on the roof where he landed. Party-pooping paramedics!

Life in the Spotlight, episode list

Get caught up on all the "Life in the Spotlight" episodes here:
Part 5
Part 4
Part 3
Part 2
Part 1

Epic Adventures, episode list

Get caught up on all the epic adventures here:

Epic Skiing:
Part 3
Part 2
Part 1

Life in the Spotlight, part three

Now that Christmas is over (well, Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas) I will begin to relate my adventures with Al Gore.

Brock, Josh, and I got together for an emergency jam session to try and come up with a song. We had about ten minutes before we were going to be picked up when we decided to forget about the song and pack for the trip to Vegas. A half hour later an electric tricycle showed up in front of my house. That thing was so small! We all tried to get in at the same time with all our luggage, but before any of us even had a leg in, the whole vehicle tipped over on its side. After fifteen minutes of rolling the "car" around the front yard, we decided to leave everything but our carry-ons. Even then we couldn't fit the driver.

We arrived at the airport, jumped on board Gore's 747 and buckled down. After takeoff, Gore gave us a private tour of his Boeing. It was amazing! The plane had a fully loaded game room, a swimming pool, and even a bar. Al Gore also told us the airlimo was equipped with twice the turbines of the average 747 so it could travel faster, the only side effect of this improvement was that it made the plane 15% less efficient than a b-52.

We were in vegas an hour later. Gore forgot to get us food, but what was worse than starving was trying to get to sleep while Brock and Josh whined because they lost the toss and had to sleep on the floor. That king size temperpudic bed sure felt nice though.

When Gore came to get us the next morning, he realized that we did not have our instruments. How were we going to explain this?

Insane Insults #1: Singers

1. "Who needs to visit pier 39 to hear a seal bark when they can just listen to you sing?"

2. "Your voice sounds just like the cat I ran over the other day. Only the cat had the decency to die, whereas you keep on singing!"

3. "The sound of your voice is like the cry of a cougar echoing through a canyon."

4. "You should sing with a pack of dogs. They'd be a great backup chorus."