Why I do not have a cell phone

Some may be wondering how a teenager could ever live without a cell phone. Well frankly, I don't. I just use my mom's. Which I hate doing. Here is a conversation that may show why:

We are driving into town.

Mom: Hey Jellyfish, why don't you call Big-Al to set up a time to hang out?

Me: That would be cool, but can you talk to him?

*Here you could be thinking I am very unsocial, but I assure you, this sentence was simply generated from experience in the realm of scheduling over the phone.

Mom: He's your friend. Here, it's dialing.

Me: But-

Big Al: Hi! I must be popular!

Me: Sup, this is Jelly.

Big: Sup dawg!

Me: I wanted to know when you could hang out?

Big: Dude, I'm busy all day.

Me: He's busy all day.

Big: Huh?

Mom: Ask about tomorrow. Gets out her planner.

Me: I was talking to Mom.

Mom: Maybe 2:00.

Big: You're with my mom? I've been looking all over for her!

Me: No! I'm with MY mom.

Mom: Why won't 2 work?

Me: Look out!

Mom: Whoa! Lots of screeching noises as our car dodges in and out of trees in an orchard.

Big: For what?

Me: I was un! talking ahh! to my help! mom.

Big: Whats going on!

Me: ugg! Car jolts over ditch back onto road (Lots of honking and screeching)

Mom: That idiot just cut me off!

Me: You're the one who's driving crazy!

Big: I'm at a stop light, how can I be driving crazy?

Me: I was talking to mom again!

Mom: How 'bout 4:oo?

Big: Oh, well I thought you called to talk to me, not your mom.

Me: Will 4 work?

Mom: That's what I just said!

Big: For what?

Jelly hands phone to his mom.

Me: You talk to him.

At this point, Mom talks to my friend all the way into town, laughing the whole way, and forgets to set a time to hang out. Why am I always the victim?

A Wet Day

Note: This story is in response to a writing prompt that was forced from the great mind of the author. The writing prompt was as follows: Pretend you are a rain drop for a day bla bla bla...

The other day I awoke with a start. My legs and arms felt strangely liquid. I looked and saw, to my horror, that I had become a raindrop! I was falling through thin air towards a very large city. Looking around I saw thousands of other raindrops just like me.

Suddenly I hit the ground with a splash. A car roared over me, it's rear wheel throwing me high in the sky. Before I could reach the ground again, another car careened straight into me. I only had a split second to catch my breath before being flung into a storm drain by the windshield-wiper.

In the drain I was immediately rushed off to a lake, along with many other raindrops. Here I was able to rest a short time. Soon, however, and without warning, a huge fish swam up to me...and started licking my face!

Back in my bedroom, I realized I had fallen out of my bed, my head landing in my dog's water dish. Ol' Ruff was standing above me, his tongue poised above my thinking cap. It had only been a dream.

UH... Revival

Please vote in our poll on the right.

Life in the Spotlight, part two

Two days after our public debut, I got a phone call from Al Gore. The dialogue is recorded below:

Gore: Hello?

Me: Wazzup?

Gore: This is Al Gore here, are you one of those lose-, I mean guys, who played on the street corner the other day?

Me: Yeah. Whaddya want?

Gore: How would you like an all expense paid vacation? All you would have to do is play a song.

Me: You really think we're that good?

Gore: Sorta. You were my very last option. Anyway, you guys would have to come up with an environmentally friendly song. If you do that you can fly with me in my private jet to do a concert.

Me: Do you mean we can’t use our amps and guitar?

Gore: Huh?

Me: Well, you said it had to be environmentally friendly – that means no electricity, right?

Gore: UH…well, anyways, it’s for a series of planet earth concerts, and one of my bands isn’t able to make it. The concert’s in Vegas, and since I did some favors for – err, I mean, since I’m good friends with one of the casino owners, I can probably get you guys some free slot play.

Well, after that last point he made, I had no choice but to go along with the plan. Brock and Josh were – are - major gamblers, as evidenced by the fact that they let me in their band. Anyway, I’ll be in Vegas for a week so I gotta start packing. When I come back, I'll be sure to write about my new adventures and maybe I will post a clip of our new song.

In the meantime…Big Al, the blog is all yours!

Life In The Spotlight

Hello. This is the first episode of a series meant to tell the story of my life to all who are or are not interested in knowing everything about me. For the sake of making you better aquainted with me, I'll start with a little background.

My life really began about three years ago when I decided to start a heavy metal garage band with a couple of my friends. Josh took the drums, Brock grabbed the bass guitar, and I ended up with the electric guitar and lead vocals. We got together for the first time and started making up a song right away. I played a C cord while Josh went crazy and Brock snapped, slapped, and banged on the bass. The vocal part was something like this:

Chorus:
Waaahhhh!
YAAAABAAAAwooooo!
Waaaaaaah! Yaaaaaaaah!
Whooooooo! Wooooooo!

(Repeat)

Verse 1:
Burnt toast!
Wakachakanooo!
Burnt black!
Chikiwaaaaaah!

(Chorus)

Verse 2:
Like a brick!
Wakadoohoooo!
Only black!
Waaahlaaah!

(Bass solo then chorus)

We would then improvise on the spot, a brilliant third verse. Finally, the big day arrived and it was time for our first real gig: a self-arranged performance on the corner of 3^rd and L streets. Yes, that's right, we were playing for tips! We played our only song: "Burnt Toast!" When the third verse came up, I hit it hard, and screamed this:

Now just dust!
Wakaloogyhoo!
It disintegrated!
Wakadoo! Yaaaaah!

When we finished, the crowd went crazy - yells, screams, and all the produce we could eat for the next month! Finally we had gotten the attention of the people of our town. We were on the high road to success.

A Day With The Dentist

The day began just like any other: I got up around 11:30, ate breakfast and took my mid-day nap. After my nap I did something far different than normal: I brushed my teeth. I performed this unusual and strenuous duty because I had an appointment with the dentist at toothurty (2:30) in the afternoon, to take care of my seven cavities. I arrived ten minutes after the appointed time and proceeded to wait and read a dentistry magazine. I saw an explanation on how to conduct a cavity filling and thought I would read it just so I knew what these people were going to do to me. I soon regretted it as the magazine instructed the dentist to perform duties such as stabbing the patient in the cheek with a needle and a toothpick, and other horrendous deeds. I was not relieved when I was called to the operating room and instructed to lie on the wooden table in the center of the chamber. Finally, the dentist entered the room. With an evil grin, he leaned over me, slapping on a pair of stylish latex gloves. He pushed a button and suddenly I was strapped to the table with hundreds of cables. The dentist's assistant walked in carrying a large syringe with a three inch needle at the end. The dentist brandished this formidable weapon before me for what could have been hours, then forced open my mouth and jabbed it into my cheek. I heard a sucking noise and then everything went black. I awoke with a start two or three minutes later to the most agonizing pain I have ever felt, and it was in my mouth. The dentist had stuffed my mouth full of cotton and was now drilling away the inside of my tooth. I screamed, yelled, even snapped a couple of cables. After that the assistant put some expanding cementing stuff in the hole that was drilled and the torture of having my tooth pushed out in lots of different directions had started. The operators repeated the drilling and stuffing for all my six other cavities. When they had finally finished, my voice was gone, I had cuts all over my body from fighting the cables, my entire mouth was bleeding and all I could see was a bunch of stars. On the way out I ran into the wall, a door, and the counter girl. To top it off, on the way home I ran my car into a light post and the back of a semi. When I finally reached my abode, I went straight to bed. This had been a long day.