It's a Blustery Day In the Neighborhood

Remember that crazy wind we had a few days ago? If you don't, you must not be from NorCal. However, I am proud to say that all of us here at UH... are not biased against anybody except those we choose to be biased against, so you can still read this post. Back to the relevant details:

The 22nd of May here in NorCal, it was a very windy day. Many people decided to stay indoors during the wind storm, thus missing out on all the fun one can have with wind. I was not one of those people. I decided to get my skateboard and go wind sailing down a smooth road. So I loaded up a couple PVC pipes, a large sheet and my skateboard and drove to the nearest smooth road I knew of: Interstate 5.

I parked on the side of the road and began setting up my equipment. Within minutes I was standing on my board sailing along with about a quarter sail in the wind. Apparently some people did not like my pioneering of this new sport; I could deduce as much from the honking, gesturing and yelling of most of the cars that passed me. Suddenly I heard sirens, so I naturally turned my head to see who the cop was after. This caused me to swerve across two lanes and into the fast lane with the cop car coming on at a furious pace. I knew I needed lots of speed really soon to avoid a collision with the cop, so I opened up full sail. I shot forward with a lunge and was quickly gaining on and passing many of the cars that had passed me before. Luckily the cop car stayed pretty close behind me, so the traffic parted before me like the red sea before Moses.

I continued like this for a few miles, when suddenly the road pitched upwards and I realized I was on one of the exits that go from the fast lane into a three way intersection in the sky. I was on a death path straight through the intersection and into a 6 foot wall on the other side. I knew what I needed to do, so I did it. I held my sail with one hand, held onto my board with the other hand, and jumped as high as I could. The sail lifted me over the wall safely, then slowly lowered me towards the ground. When I say slowly, I mean I was falling slowly, but I was still being propelled at over 100mph. When I touched down, I was jerked forward and then I felt like I was in a giant tumble dryer on its highest setting.

When my kinetic energy was finally exhausted, I looked behind me. About 40 feet above and 1000 feet behind me I saw an overpass with a gaping hole in its wall. 10 feet behind me I saw the burning remains of a dodge charger with blinking lights on its roof. I struggled to my hands and knees and crawled over to the wreckage. Inside was an unconscious middle-aged man. I pulled him out of the vehicle and had barely drug him 5 feet when the entire car blew up into a million pieces and everything went black.

The next thing I remember is waking up in an uncomfortable bed with a thousand bright flashes going off in my face. When the flashing calmed down I saw hundreds of photographers and reporters yelling questions at me. At that point I remembered nothing, so somebody told everyone to be quiet and told me that a witness had seen me pull a man out of his burning car just before it blew up. Was this true? I said yes, even though I had no clue if it was or not. Then a doctor told me I had pieces of shrapnel all in my back, so I couldn't leave the hospital for a few weeks. Then the reporters started screaming again, the room started spinning and everything went black. The next morning I awoke in time to have somebody shove a newspaper in my face. The front page was all about me and how I was the greatest hero of all time! The man I saved from the car said he didn't remember anything that had happened or why he was in a burning car, and I wasn't about to enlighten him.

Life in the Spotlight, part six

It was pretty easy to pull the wool over the head lifeguard's eyes. It seems they were short handed and needed someone real bad. The dude hardly even glanced at my papers before telling me I started in two days. He said my papers showed I had done some lifeguarding before, so he wouldn't bother going over my duties, except to show me where the lemon squeezer and ice were. So two days later at noon I was all settled in my high chair, shaded by an umbrella and sipping lemonade. As far as I could tell I was the only staff member there, so I didn't even pretend to be for real. The day went smoothly besides the few times some kids tried to climb out of the pool, but after some firm shoves and a little yelling I managed to keep all those brats in the water.
The next day is when it all happened. I was sitting on my throne, sipping my lemonade and controlling my pool with an iron fist, when some kid started screaming that he was drowning. Then my self-sacrificing instinct kicked in. Soon I had climbed down from my chair, ran over to the steps, climbed down the steps, and sunk to the bottom. Now it was an all out fight for survival. I thrashed, kicked and struggled for what seemed like hours, all to no avail. My life flashed before me in a time-lapse slideshow. Could this really be the heroic end to my wonderful life? No! I would never give up! I must complete my mission, impossible though it may seem. So I struggled onwards and downwards. Then it all came to an end as suddenly as it had begun. I felt my limp body being drug across the cement deck. I slowly and painfully lifted my eyelids. All I could see was a blinding white light. As the light faded, I became aware of three kids, not over ten years old, pulling me by the arms and head. Then my ears emptied of water and I heard a torrent of laughter that rolled on and on. Looking around I saw hundreds of kids rolling on the ground erupting with merriment.
After my brief encounter with the shallow end of the pool and what followed immediately thereafter, I have decided to retire from the lifeguard corps and find another career path to follow. I am still looking and any suggestions are welcome.

An Epic Skiing Adventure, Part Three

Jellyfish had just performed a beautiful, inverted-180 and was on the downwind
side of the jump when I flew off it at about 80mph. My cowboy hat and shades had left me long ago, and I was left with only my t-shirt, poles and Bermuda shorts.
As I flew over nearly all the trails between “BIG JUMP” and the lodge, a sudden
rush of fear jolted me with the realization that I might not have a good chance of landing very well, or even surviving this jump. - An Epic Skiing Adventure, Part Two

As I soared through the air, a thought occurred to me. What had become of my good pal Jellyfish? I'd seen him perform his near perfect inverted 180, but after that I had no idea how he'd faired on "Big Staircase" (the only foreseeable landing pad for "Big Jump"). So naturally, I was worried.

Now it turns out that Jellyfish, upon leaving the lip of the jump, realized he had not taken a good look at the landing pad. In his effort to look down and plan his landing, Jell ended up pointing his head in that very direction. The fact that he was still facing backwards with his head turned to see where he was going caused his whole body to suddenly spin back around. He was nearing the ground when one of his skis nicked a rail and the momentum sent him flying towards the side of the run where he hit an especially soft and deep snowbank, and climbed out perfectly fine.

I however, did not know this. So with all my might I tried desperately to turn myself around in mid-air to look for him. However, because of the near 50-mph winds and my velocity of 80-MPH, my efforts did not command the desired result, but did prove to change my course in a direction aiming strait for the lodge. At this point, seeing the advantage of the high-speed winds involved, I held out my arms and legs in an effort to increase my surface area in order to decrease my velocity & impending collision with the northeast wall of the lodge. My method worked to some degree, but having misjudged my exact elevation, & ability to increase my surface area, I ended up having to performing a second jump (off the roof of the lodge), sending me a further 20-ft or so.



Aiming for the passenger seat of a comfortable looking red convertible, I unsnapped my skis, threw them in the back seat, and landed (with only slight discomfort) next to a formidable looking businessman in a ski-suit and tie with a fresh steaming-hot cup of jelly in my cup holder. Speaking of jelly, my thoughts immediately turned to my trusty friend...



Jellyfish, having been witness to this entire streak of uncanny luck, and observing that in at least one area the snow-bank had risen high enough to reach the roof of the lodge, endeavoured to attempt a similar feat. It was imperative that the driver of the said convertible should stop, giving Jellyfish a steady landing pad. This he did, and Jellyfish, having securely stowed his ski's in the same seat I had, landed (with a thud) in the seat directly behind me. Although we both suffered some minor back injuries from our respective landings, we still had an enjoyable time on the way home, recounting our recent events with our new found Chauffeur, the good businessman Mr. James Clydesdale from Buckingham Massachusetts.

Buying a New Car is a Nightmare

My old dump truck was fixing to give up the ghost, so instead of repairing it again, I thought it would be a good idea to look into buying a new car. Maybe it was, maybe it wasn't. At any rate, I headed down to the local automall, happy and ignorant, not having the slightest idea what was in store for me.

I made my first stop at the first dealership I came to. I think it was one of those new Japanese-style shops because the people there couldn't stop staring at my dump truck, wondering how horrible the gas mileage was, and thinking what a horrible person I must be to own a vehicle like that. This kind of turned me off, especially after they tried to make me eat their day-old sushi, and to top it off, all their cars were little, not the sort of cars you get into, but the type you put on, like a pair of jeans in the morning. Small, gas-saving enviro-hybrids that let out a polite toot when you press the accelerator down. This was definitely not for me.


I drove down to the next lot where they had nicer people, serving fried chicken wings. Their line up consisted of trucks and sports cars, and seeing as I did want something slightly more economical then my dump truck, I decided to test drive a sports car. This thing looked cool! When I turned the key, the engine purred to life and the cybernetic-ultra-1000 artificial intelligence system asked me how my day was and if she could assist me in any way. This rather startled me and I slowly responded:


Me: I'm fine, how about yourself?


Car: Oh, quite well sir, you honor me by speaking so kindly. Is there anything at all that I might do to be of assistance?


Me: Well I would like a cup of coffee...


Car: Coming right up, sir.


Car: What are you doing!!!!!!!!!


Me: Um, merging into traffic?


Car: You just violated 16 known traffic laws! I will be forced to report you to the local authorities.


Me: (sheepishly) That's really not necessary.


Car: I'm afraid I automatically e-mailed the police department and two cars are on there way as we speak.


Me: You crazy @#$%^ car!


Car: Everything you do or say may be used against you in a court of law.


Me: Noooooo!!!! Help!!!!!


Pinching myself, I woke up from the maddening dream. Needless to say, I will not be purchasing a new vehicle any time soon.

All Humans Must Die!!!

Yup you heard it. All people must, for the good of the Earth, sacrifice themselves to pave the way for the next "set" of intelligent creatures to arise through millions of years of evolution. Did you know that the Human species has evolved to such intelligence that Humans have defied the limits of Nature and now pose the greatest threat ever to set foot on the planet? This threat is bigger than any meteor, flood, hurricane, fire, freeze or any other disaster imagined...err... found, by leading Scientists to be the cause of the dinosaurs' extinction. This disaster is global warming due to over population. Yes, you and I must die...that is the only way to make sure this planet can survive this danger.

Of course if you don't want to die just promise to never enable another Human to live. If this is the path you want to follow read about it here:

http://www.worldnetdaily.com/index.php?fa=PAGE.view&pageId=63755

Before jumping to conclusions please realize that this actually is NOT the belief of UH... Actually we believe in the survival of the fittest! So actually we need to rise up and make sure that other intelligent species are kept in check this way we remain most powerful on earth. The closest species to the human is no doubt the Orangutan. Thankfully due to forests being chopped their population remains in check. Unfortunately, wackos think that this is bad and lumber jacks need to be stopped but then again these same wackos think that if they die the earth will be a better place. I could not disagree!... If they wipe themselves out who can stand in the way of powerful tree cutters? Little green scooter against 30in. chainsaw?? 'Nough said.

Actually UH...Doesn't go that far either. But do you see how absurd people can get??

Starting a garden...

...is really easy; and you save money on vegetables. Right? That's what I thought until I tried it. Below is a record of how yet another of my bright ideas came to nothing:

It was a beautiful day as I sat in the shade watching the weeds grow. I was supposed to be getting my garden started, but first I had to make a plan. So there I was, sipping lemonade and sitting in my hammock on the back porch. I knew what I had to do first: rent a rototiller and get rid of those weeds. So I jumped in the car and flew to the nearest tractor store. As I walked around the store I questioned my motives for starting a garden. Maybe this wasn't so inexpensive after all. But then agai,n I guess I do spend more than $300 on vegetables every year. So I went ahead and rented the $300 rototiller. This wasn't any ordinary tiller either: it was self-driven. All I had to do was set what speed I wanted and off it would go. At least, that's what the guy in the store said.

When I got home I couldn't wait to try out this fancy tiller. I pulled it out of the back of my car and pushed it around to the backyard. Then I pushed the little bubbly thingy, pulled the little stick back, and yanked the big long string. I could tell this thing had power as it sat there purring away. Then I took hold of the shift stick and threw it into full speed ahead! The machine drove right across the back yard, plowing up the earth as it went, then through the back fence and across the neighbor's lawn, eating up chairs, barbecues, and anything else that got in its way. I realized I would have to start following it if I wanted to see the rest of the show, so I took off running. After going through the back wall of the neighbor's garage and out through their closed garage door, the tiller finally came to a rest after being hit by a special edition 2010 Cadillac Escalade.

Now I am sitting in my hammock on the back porch watching the weeds grow and writing about my adventures. After paying for the replacement of the rototiller, I have decided gardening is not as cheap as I thought. From now on I will be proud every time I buy a box of tomatoes, knowing I am saving thousands of dollars.

PC MotorX

In the past I have been accused of posting only my adventures that contained lots of gore. I must agree. However, this is only because I think they are my only adventures worth posting.

So this time I will post my adventure in PC formatting.

It was a cloudless day, so I decided to go take a ride on my bike. As I backed my low-emission, ultra-light, non-fat, vitamin-enhanced, no-plants-or-animals-harmed-in-the-making Honda out of my garage, I could not help feeling good about how successful the fight to let every human follow their roots and do what felt right to them was going. I turned the key and felt my engine purr to life. I tell you what, nothing beats an electric motor. All you have to do is plug it in, and in 3hours it will magically be ready for an entire 20mile trip!

I looked down the road stretching in front of me. A warm feeling crept around me as I watched a bunny rabbit hop unheeding in the same direction I was traveling. I decided I should learn something from nature, so I followed the bunny. Soon we were out in the country going at a peaceful, relaxed pace. Here and there the bunny stopped to nibble some grass. What a perfect picture of what humanity should be: each member should go along peacefully minding only their own business, taking only what they need from the communal basket of goods and services provided by the overseeing organization of the world. Even while I was in the middle of this thought, an unnatural sound began to grow and shake the very earth I was traveling over.

Then I saw it coming fast. It was one of those monsters of society, one of those evil machines of destruction, one of those max-emission, ultra-heavy, toy-hauling destroyers of civilization.
Yes, it was an SUV!!

I floored my Honda to try and warn my bunny friend, but it was too late! The red liquid of life was spilling from his white coat of holiness. Suddenly a butterfly flew past me and landed on bunny. Bunny is probably happier as a butterfly anyways.

Life in the Spotlight, part 5

After a week of isolation in my apartment, I decided it was time to rejoin society (not that Brock and Josh were society, but they were the best I could find at the time). First off, I knew to get friends you needed money, and lots of it. The band had been my only way to earn money before, and come to think of it, maybe that is why Brock and Josh were my only friends. I set out on my search, walking north towards the Burger King I knew would be there. Every now and then I would pass someone walking the other way and say hi. The only ones who responded were carrying all there belongings on their shoulder.
I arrived at Burger King and asked the manager if he could hire me. His answer showed me he was not the kind of man I wanted to associate with, because one of the first ten words he said to me was "work." On my way home I asked for a job in a grocery store, a bar, a hair salon, a 24 hour fitness, I even got desperate enough to try a Waste Management base; apparently they weren't desperate enough to hire me. Then I walked past a public swimming pool. As soon as I saw that life guard sitting in that big tall chair, drinking iced lemonade and yelling orders to all those naughty little kids ten feet below him, I knew that was what I wanted to do. So I asked him what I had to do to get that job. He said all I had to do was show the boss some papers proving I had been through life guard training, and I would be on the job in less than a week!
I have never learned how to be a life guard, much less how to swim, but I knew Josh had been a life guard before, so I phoned him up.

Josh: Hey! Wanna be friends?
Me: Sup, this is Jelly
Josh: Never mind then. What are you calling me for? You're going to ruin my luck! I just got the lucky 7-7-7! I'm rich!
Me: All I need is some papers saying I'm a lifeguard.
Josh: Why are you calling me then?
Me: Because you told me before that you had some.
Josh: Oh, well I gotta go now 'cause I just lost some money and know it's because I'm talking to you.
Me: Wait! Just tell me where you live and I'll come by and get them.
Josh: I just know that will end my lucky streak, but if you promise never to talk to me again, then come by 40452 Orange Rd, Los Angeles California.
Me: You live in LA?
Josh: Not yet, I'm going to move there with all this money I won. bye.

The next day I drove down to LA and got the papers from Josh. I guess he lost all his money after he hung up on me, but he met me at the address he had told me anyways. Now I was set for life. All I had to do was sit in my chair, drink lemonade, yell at little kids and earn gobs and gobs of money!

Moonvertizing

The other day I decided to start my own company. At first this seemed like the best idea I'd had since my ears dried. Then when I actually thought about it, I realized I now had to think of what my company would be. This was very hard for me, because my #1 favorite thing to do is stare at the sky and think about nothing. So when I started trying to think, that is exactly what I did. I stared at the sky.

Then I stared some more.

And some more.

Then, without me even knowing how, it suddenly hit me! MOONVERTIZING!!! This was the middle of the day though, so there was no moon out at all. I had no clue how I had thought of this, but I was not about to go back to thinking to figure it out.

Now there was another problem: what did moonvertizing mean? After 2 days of sleeping on it (no, I didn't sleep all day both days), I had it all set in my mind, and that is where I'm at now.

For the next few days, I am going to lock myself in my room and invent the High Powered Super-Duper Mega-x5000 Lazer Moonprojector! (Maybe by then I will know what the x5000 stands for). Anyways, here's the intro I wrote for the grand unveiling of my idea:

Ladies and gentlemen!!! Attention. No don't leave! Hey you! Over there! Get back here! Presenting the most amazing modern marvel in history! The HPS-DMx5000L Moonprojector! But you can't see it yet, because it hasn't been invented yet. But make sure to be outside for the next full moon, because if you are, you might be the first person to ever see a moonvertizement!

Note: If you would like your company moonvertized, please send me an email (and about $1,000,000) and I will be sure to schedule you for the next available full moon.

In 'n' Out (part 2)

Sorry for not posting on this for a while but even though you haven't heard from us, it's only been a fortnight for Nan'da'man and me. So here we are at 9:42am the day we had an apointment at eight with the nice lady on the phone, our conversasion in the car on the way there sounded something like this:

Nan'da'man: Hey, weren't you s'posed to set the alarm last night?

Big Al: Well, yeah, but it was kinda difficult considering that the phone was in your pocket and you were already fast asleep when I got home!

Nan'da'man: Details, details, you dropped the ball, man!

At this point we had reached the nice lady's house. This postponed my trying to strangle Nan'da'man for the moment, which is probably a good thing considering he was driving.

We had found 2 old "in'n'out" bumper stickers in an leftover fast food bag the night before, which we stuck to the sides of our car which made us look like complete professionals, if I say so myself!

It could have been a combination these stickers, and the fact that we were 1hr.42min. late that caused the nice lady to be in a slightly egregious temper that morning. At any rate, here is an account of our introduction to her.

Ding dong!

"Oh, you two! I didn't take my son to school early for nothing you know! You were s'posed be here at eight, sharp! What's wrong with you!" She said, pointing a finger at Nan'da'man.

Not knowing exactly how to respond to this, Nan'da'man pointed at me, "It was all his fault! He didn't set the alarm last night!!!"

"You mean to tell me that you haven't even got the courtesy to get up on time for an apointment *YOU* set, and that I've been up half the night preparing for? Get out of here this instent and never shadow the doorstep again!!!"

Door slams!

Needless to say, this was my and Nan'da'man's last contracting job!

Morning Fun

Today, I awoke with a start. Then I knew why. My little brother was jumping on me and my bed screaming "MOM SAYS TO GET UP SLEEPY HEAD!!" My entire body felt sore and I was cramping all over. As soon as my brother saw I was awake, he ran with all his might out the door. I slowly and painfully pulled myself out of bed and went to find and punish this little imp. When I found him he was sitting on the back steps of our house. I made a raging charge towards him, ending in a gracefull but determined dive straight into our freshly cleaned glass sliding door. The door held firm, but my face didn't. Through a cloud of stars and blurriness I barely made out the form of a tiny human moving away toward the back gate.

My head was spinning, but after some self assesment I desided to once again pursue my prey. When I went outside, my brother walked right up to me wagging his tail. I immediately plunged, pinning him to the cement. But wait! I must be blind! This isn't my brother, it's my dog! After this incident, I desided to postpone the punishment of the imp until some stars had once again disappeared. After an hour of laying on the couch, no stars had left, but the sun had come. "Oh, I give up!" I said to myself aloud. Suddenly, there was Mr. Imp jumping all over me and the couch screaming "MOM SAYS IT'S TIME FOR SCHOOL!"

An Epic Skiing Adventure, part two

We rejoin Jellyfish and myself as we ride up the chair lift to the time of our lives.

Midway up the lift, I reached into my pocket looking for a starburst, only to find the Styrofoam safety hik-teeth momma billy done gave me. Sticking them in at just the right moment, so as Jellyfish wouldn't see me, I smiled big at the lift operator at the top and said: "Guess how long its been sense I brushed my teeph?".

Upon noticing this, Jellyfish felt a sudden urge to punch me across the jaw with great force. Good thing I had my safety teeth in or it would have hurt su'm awful. At any rate, once Jellyfish and I had finished our in-depth discussion on what we each considered correct lift operator relations, we proceeded to ski to the next lift at an alarmingly fast rate, which put the idea in our heads that we were ridiculously good skiers. This idea eventually forced us into the decision, which we would have inevitably made anyway, to go for the biggest park on the mountain!

We started off real good; Jellyfish went (straight) through the half pipe while I hit this huge rail (with my left pole). Soon we came to the largest jump on the mountain, from now on to be referred to as “BIG JUMP”. When we came to the place in the trail where offending snowboarders sit and wait for each other to break their necks on “BIG JUMP” before going down themselves, we stopped and just as I opened my mouth to say “we ought not try this” Jellyfish turned backwards on his skis, so as to pay better attention to me, and started sliding backwards. I reached for him but his hand slipped right through my glove, seeing as Jelly had no glove on that hand.

There were no possible means of prevention.

Jellyfish was forced to try the 540-inverted-aerial helicopter-grab move we had discussed on the chair lift. However, noting the terrified look on my friend's face, I made a gut decision when Jelly was halfway between “BIG JUMP” and myself. I decided to ski down as fast as I could, and catch Jelly in mid-air, thereby saving him from his impending destiny of collision with the staircase-rail, which was the only foreseeable landing pad for “BIG JUMP”. As I said, this was a gut decision and should not be scrutinized as if I had time to write an essay on the subject.

Jellyfish had just performed a beautiful, inverted-180 and was on the downwind side of the jump when I flew off it at about 80mph. My cowboy hat and shades had left me long ago, and I was left with only my t-shirt, poles and Bermuda shorts. As I flew over nearly all the trails between “BIG JUMP” and the lodge, a sudden rush of fear gave jolted me with the realization that I might not have a good chance of landing very well, or even surviving this jump.

Since it occurs to me that we have arrived at an entirely non-climactic interval, I think this a good time to end the post.

Of Sumo Wrestlers and Panda Bears

The other day I was thinking...Who would win in a wrestling match between a Sumo wrestler and a Panda? At first I figured a Panda would win because it has claws and it probably weighs more. On second thought, however, I decided that a Sumo wrestler would win because he has experience in the subject. But then again, Pandas are so huge, the panda would just sit on his haunches chewing bamboo while the sumo guy aimlessly pushed, pulled and tugged. So, this really did not get me anywhere. (If you are still reading you are probably as bored as me).

Next I thought about whether a ninja would win against a sumo wrestler. Ninjas are so cool and fast that this one is obvious...the ninja would come out on top. Then again...the sumo wrestler is so armored in fat and grease that the ninja's kicks, punches and chops would either bounce back or slip by the slick surface of the sumo wrestler. (If you are still reading I now know that you don't have much to do or that you are really horrible at prioritizing your schedule).

The conclusion I came to is that Sumos are the best fighters from the Asian region. Of course there are tigers, but I wanted to compare animals that can sit and eat with hands or paws.

Sumos are the new Ninja!!! If you want to buy "I am Sumo!!" t-shirts, let me know!

Valentine's, Shmalentine's

"Valentine's already? I'm still sick from the super bowl!"

That is what all males are thinking right now. Some who have girlfriends might be thinking: "What? I just worked overtime all month to pay for that Christmas date I had to take girlfriend on so she wouldn't dump me!"

Unfortunately, females don't think this way. For some reason, they don't have fun cleaning up after superbowl parties and they look forward to Valentine's. They think: "Yes! A time to relax, maybe boyfriend will take me to a really fancy dinner!"


My sister is one of those female types. One problem though: she does not have a boyfriend, and I don't have a girlfriend. For the past week she has been walking around the house looking very depressed. Yesterday morning, I saw her walking down the hallway, more depressed than usual. I decided to cheer her up, so I said: "Good morning! Why don't you stop being depressed?" I immediately realized my mistake. I could imagine what was coming next.

"YOU GOOD FOR NOTHING LITTLE NOSY UNCARING WRETCH!"

Then she would proceed to thrash me into a million pieces. The only way to handle women is to compliment them. But don't get carried away. For example, if I had said "My, you look much better than usual today," she would have snapped out of depression on the spot; and started thrashing me all the same.


But my sister did nothing I expected. Instead she got all excited and yelled "thank-you, thank-you, thank-you! I'm so happy now, I could scream!" Then she screamed and busted my eardrums. Now this was a very strange reaction, so I called up a female counselor and asked what it meant. Guess what? Now I have to take my sister to the fanciest restaurant in San Francisco to keep her from becoming permanently depressed! My counselor told me that when I talked to my sister yesterday, she was so depressed she thought I asked if I could take her to dinner since she had no one else to take her. Now I walk around the house all day long, looking extremely depressed. My sister never even notices. Maybe I will let you know how the dinner goes. Then again, maybe you don't want to know.

First race of the season

I admit it, I am at a loss as to what to write. I'm sure everyone knows this feeling well.

So, for this post, I've decided to share a race report with everyone. Although a race report isn't necessarily meant for humor, most people find them to be quite interesting...however, these people are fellow cyclists so they have more of an interest in reading how my race went. I guess this is pretty much an experiment on our readers so be sure to let us know what you think about reading race reports and we will post them every once in a while. Maybe we will add some video footage of the race just to add a little twist. Here it goes!

Here are some definitions so that you can understand the cyclist language:

Tempo: The speed and intensity of a cadence.

Cadence: The number of pedal rotations per minute.

RR: Road Race, usually 50-80mi.

Crit: Criterium, a short fast race around city blocks. Races usually average 25-30mph for 40-60 minutes.

Cat (5, 4, 3, 2, or 1): The category a cyclist is in based on their ability. Cat 1's and 2's are the fast, professional cyclists.

Climb: The main steep section of a race.

Field: The group of cyclists in a race.

Distance: about 43 miles
Time: 1hr 5min.
Place: 7th

This was the first race/real ride I've done these past few months so I was pretty pessimistic coming into this race. At the start there were not very many cat. 4's so the official combined the 4's and 5's to give us a larger field. The start wasn't very cold so I did not have to wear too much; it turns out I over layered and ended up too warm on the climb. The first few miles were really windy but we were still riding at a pretty good tempo. I stayed in the front but made sure to never let myself in the wind. Once we were officially in the canyon road conditions turned really bad, lots of erosion, silt, mud, water, boulders and rocks... many riders went flat because of the rocks and such.
As we neared the climb a group from the z-team started taking control and I knew they were setting up their climbers so I prepared myself for a good ol' suffer fest up the hill. Sure enough they attacked on the climb and splintered the field, I was a little bit back from the front but I knew I wasn't too far to make up the distance so I stood up and...wait!! I've lost my legs from the end of last season, they don't want to cooperate! The acceleration I was expecting from myself dissolved into a sea of anguish as I resigned to the fact that I would have to do my best and make up the ground descending. Descending on this death trap of a road?? Yeah, right. I ended up with a group of 6 on the way back down but they were inexperienced and working with them was more work than it should have been. I worked pretty hard for a while until I realized that we weren't going to catch the leaders so I decided to rest a little and do a bit of work every now and then. It turns out that even though my group wasn't very good at working efficiently they were really strong!! And I began to feel that I was becoming more tired than they so I stopped working altogether and hoped to hang on till the end. At the end we split up on the final climb and I ended up behind them early so I rolled over the line quite a ways behind all but one.
The good thing about this race is that I finished quite a few minutes before the main field so I am happy to know that early on this season I am a little stronger than most of the field. I am hoping to get some points and upgrade to 3 ASAP so knowing that I am ahead of everyone else is encouraging.

There it is. If you did enjoy it, let us know.

An Epic Skiing Adventure, part one

Well the other day my friend jellyfish and I done went and headed up to the mountains to do a little skiing, an like jellyfish always says about me: "I ain't much of a skier, but I sure would like to think I am!" So when we got there, we past through the ski lodge like a whirling dervish in an attempt to be the first ones on the ski slopes. It ensued that we in fact were the first folks in line for the big chair lift that takes you up to the top of the mountain. However, when we got there we took tally, and discovered were short; Jellyfishes polls, chew'n gum, and right glove, and that I had left my lucky ski helmet, goggles, and pants at home and instead was wearing, my cowboy hat, sun-glasses, and fabulous electric-green Bermuda shorts! But after putting our heads together, Jellyfish and I came to the conclusion that these were only miner setbacks, and that we wouldn't want to hold up a good ski day for such vanities.

See, Jellyfish and I know each other well enough to know that nether one of us would be so foolish as to let the loss of some important safety equipment get in the way of shredding the gnar. Naw', we know'z we'z brighter 'n 'at!

Getting on the chair lift was a trifle difficult seeing as we were distracted by the ski patrol guy's gliding down the mountain and gloating at us, saying that we would never really be the first ones on the mountain. But after only three serendipities of us falling off, the lift being stopped, putting our skies back on, and trying again, we achieved our goal. During one of these attempts however, Jellyfish ended up sprawled out in such a way that overly burlesqued one of the ski parolee's near fall upon determining our identities. But after all this, we were finally on our way to the gnarly POW we'd been dreaming of for months.

Life in the Spotligh, part four

When Gore started yelling we finally woke up. He was walking calmly around the room, smashing pitchers, throwing chairs, kicking mirrors; he was amazing. I have never seen such professional fit throwing in my life! We all retreated to the bathroom and locked ourselves in. After an emergency consultation (and placing a poll on the web), we decided to come out fighting.
We threw open the door and charged out yelling with all our might. Gore glared at us and suddenly we found ourselves retreating again. Al made a pounce in our direction and then Brock whispered, "Why did you wake us up!?"



Encouraged by this, Josh yelled "WE QUIT!! HA! HA! HA! NOW WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO?" Gore lunged at us, grabbed us by the back of our necks and dumped us in a pile in the gutter. He then climbed into his tiny green tricycle car and proceeded to putt-putt down the road. 10 minutes and 3 feet later, I saw Al get out of the car, pick it up, and slam it repeatedly against a wall. Then I blacked out.


When I woke up, I was lying on the cement floor of a jail cell. Apparently the Vegas police system thought Josh, Brock and I were just a few wednesday morning drunks. After being released, we were hauled off to the Las Vegas Sanitary Facility, otherwise known as the dump. Soon all three of us had collected a few instruments and we decided to put on a show for those dull Waste Management workers.


This time, Josh had an old ukulele, Brock was on a broken piano, and I had a broom for a mic. Under the circumstances, I thought it sounded pretty good. Some guy started playing this cool beat behind us. It sounded like "beep, beep, beep, beep..." Maybe we should have got the hint, but we didn't, and the truck ran us over.


Now we are all home, separated forever. We decided being around each other gave us all bad luck. So much for my band.

In 'n' Out (part 1)

Well, y'all may not know it, but ccgboyz and I decided to take up contracting as a second profession!!! (this here blogin' biz ain't producing a steady income yet). Neither one of us really knew that much about contracting, but once we found out that we both liked playing with building blocks when we was kids, the idea hit off right nice!

Seeing as we were new to the trade, we thought we'd start out right and put an ad in the paper saying that we was a big contracting operation 'a lookin fer work. But after waiting a few days, nothing happening, and receiving a bill for the ad (which we could't pay) things were looking pretty bleak. Therefore, when we received our first phone call from a kindly lady we say'd:

"Yo, this is In 'n' Out contracting, if you hire us we'll be in'n'out as fast as jiffy will lube your car!"

To that the lady simply replied:"Well, I would like to know if you could refer me to any subs who could do a small wiring job in my house?"

We consulted each other and both came to the conclusion that we did not know any sandwiches, but could definitely use some work. So called her back.

]Big Al:"Wal, that's actually just the type of work we do!"

Ccgboys:"Yes ma'm! In fact, we mean to do 'most all our work in house, at least 'till the weather clears up."

(The afore-mentioned statement was entirely lucky, and purly based on a desire to work inside while it was raining).

At this point the lady said:"That'll be perfect then, when can I expect you to stop by my house?"

To which we responded:"Let us check our fancy scheduling book for ya... Ah yes, you sure is lucky! We just had a cancellation tommorrow morning (this was sort of true, because we did give up watching football on our brand new couch w/a built in refrigerator that jellyfish doesn't know about) and we can squeeze you in right there, you can expect us around 8:00am."

To which she replied:"Isn't that a little fast?"

To which I said:"Wa'l, they don't call us In 'n' out for nothing!"

Boy, if we only knew what we were getting into...

Shakespeare: A Shakescam

Shakespeare was a scam! Come to think of it, he still is! He is simply the face for the cheating industry of arts to hide behind! He never wrote a single play. Or tragedy. Or poem. Or comedy. Or romance. Or, well, you get the point. He was an illiterate bum, living off the hard work of others. He just sat around all day watching super bowl pre-plays and eating popcorn!

I am sure this is all old news to some of you, but nobody knows who really wrote all those long boring money grabbing works of "art," and I am nobody. Soon I won't be nobody though, 'cause I'm going to proclaim this to the whole world! Maybe I'll even make a movie! I will get so well known, I will become president and outlaw works by "Shakespeare." Maybe I'll even find his descendants and throw them all in jail!

So who really wrote all that Shakespeare stuff? His wife and kids! Not only was he a bum, he was a heartless slave driver, and his slaves were his family. He forced them to write, and when they wrote something that he did not like, he whipped them every hour for the next twenty-four hours! When they wrote something he did like, he published it under his name and got more popcorn money!

Eventually, his family got fed up. But they didn't do anything, except write some more. Finally Shakespeare's wife died and his kids all ran away. From that day until he died he had no food at all. Poor guy. I know what it is like to not have food and try to watch football. It isn't very fun. You sit there knowing the fridge is full of food, but you never go get some because then all your friends make you get something for them. So you all wait, and wait and soon everyone is passed out from hunger.

So I am calling for a world-wide boycott of Shakespeare! He is the reason there is never enough food for the football games. He must be taken care of, and then all us football addicts can once again live in peace!

Over waxed plank + skinny long rail = hilarious jibulation comedy!!!

That is a pretty interesting combination isn't it?? Well, you are about to read a story about the inspiration to this title. First let me define some of the supo - wiry terms used above.

Over waxed - Excess wax on object causing the sliding action to be very out of control.

Plank - A board of some sort used for sliding, spanking, building and many other things.

Skinny - Not much width (hmm)

Long rail - a slippery length of steel usually used for support but many times used for sliding over.

Hilarious - funny

Jibulation - extreme tricks for one to show off their style!

Now for the story:

The other day I was Snowboarding at a ski resort in the Central Sierra Nevadas. While there I decide to test my limits in the park; I was hoping to jib the kinked rail (a rail that abruptly changes directions from up to down to left to right and so on). As I passed over the park while riding the lift I was amused by watching people attempt the kinked rail. Some were amazing and some were lame. I was especially impressed by a skier who landed with his skis split parallel to the rail. He rode it like that the whole way!! I wished that I was flexible like him...although I'm pretty sure that it had an effect on someone's destiny.

All of a sudden I heard yelling and other unmentionables!! I soon realized that while watching the people below I had passed the lift exit zone and was now on my way back down the hill! When I came around again I made sure to exit at the right time but I still ended up leaving a part of me behind (I really need to work on exiting the chair).

Soon I was on the path toward the kinky, butterflies building, and as I zoned in on my mission time sloooowwed doooowwn. Wooooshhh! I flowed onto the rail and then time sped up and I was sliding on my bottom all the way down. Ouch! I've never had such a sore bum!! You might be thinking that it was the impact that really hurt but actually it was two laws of physics that came into play.

Let me explain. First, metal hitting metal can cause sparks and this happened when the metal edge of my board shot across the rail. When two surfaces scrape together, friction comes into play and when conditions and length of time are right, heat can be released in large amounts. So, first there was a spark, then there was my rear causing friction with the rail, and the next thing I felt was intense heat and a burning sensation under me as I slid more and more.

The next day I was in the hospital with a 2nd degree burn and a tip of the tailbone fracture. The doctor told me to always wear bottom pads from now on so now when I snowboard people tease me about being poofy.

Flats Happen

Today I went on a bicycle ride to get relaxed after my hand/spur surgery. I soon realized, though, that changing gears is harder with a spur than with a hand, but I made up for it by getting a good laugh every time I spurred a friend to make him ride faster. You should have seen them take off! Pretty soon I was all alone. A bad mistake. After just a few miles, my tire suddenly blew up, rocketing me two hundred feet into the clear blue sky. For a few quarter seconds I forgot about the danger I was in and was only conscious of how good it felt to be flying. Suddenly all thought of flight flew from my mind as my face contacted asphalt and proceeded to shave my face down to the bone. Then I woke up.

Ok, so this is what really happened: My friends made me work so hard I decided to fake I had a flat. Then I fell asleep on the side of the road and dreamed this whole story up to tell them when they came back to find me, which they didn't do. Instead they all went out for lunch and enjoyed my non-presence. While I waddled the 250 miles home I decided I would try something new: not get a flat next time I rode. Also maybe flying wasn't such a bad idea.

Jellyfish Rides!

I have a friend who lives on a ranch. Amazing, isn't it? I agree, it's absolutely amazing that I have a friend. Anyways, the ranch has horses. The other day my friend invited me to come ride a horse at his ranch. Ok, ok, to be totally honest my friend (Fred) is antisocial, to me anyways, so I had to help him invite me. So yesterday I showed up at his house, ready to ride! Fred already had my horse saddled and put in a skinny little stall so that the horse could not move. Fred said this was so I could get on easier. Fred explained everything about riding a horse, then strapped some spurs to my yellow mud boots and gave me a slap on the back that nearly broke my neck. As I was climbing down onto the horse, it was jumping up, trying to get out of the stall. Fred said that was a good sign, it meant the horse would be really docile when it was let into the big arena.
With a bit of trouble, I finally got my hands strapped down onto the horse. I never realized before that you were supposed to strap down your hands so tight. Fred opened the gate and the horse took off, bucking all around the arena. I frantically tried with all my might to slam my spurs into the horses rump like Fred had told me to do to make him slow down, but it wasn't working. The horse bucked me off over and over, but since my hands were strapped to him I always ended up back on top again. This was a wild ride! Once or twice the horse bucked me off on his side, then ran sideways against the wall, crushing every bone in my body. Finally the horse bucked me so hard, one of my hands tore off at the wrist, allowing me to slip the other one out.
After laughing his head off, Fred called an ambulance to take me to the hospital. I tell you what, hospital life is good! All the food you can eat, video games (which I can't play with only one hand), no school and lots of TV. Fred has invited me to come back any time, which I will do as soon as I have my new hand. This time, though, I'll be sure to kick even harder.

Rain and Snow!

It was raining! So, logically, that meant that somewhere it was snowing! Well, I wanted to know exactly where it was snowing, because I like to ski and you can't ski on a river. My brother and I grabbed our gear and loaded up in the car. We had been driving for about five minutes, going about 65-70mph when we started hydroplaning. Now anybody but my brother would have freaked out and let the car fix itself, but my bro was not about to let a chance to have fun slip away that easy. He slammed the brake, locking up the wheels, and yanked the steering to the right. Soon we were going sideways down the road at about 70mph. I naturally screamed and threw up my hands as I would do on a roller coaster (my brother later used it as evidence that i was scared). Now that we were sideways, my brother added an extra twist: He hammered the gas pedal. We suddenly regained traction and shot off the road, launching off the embankment. We must have got twenty feet of air!
Soon we found some snow. Around 1:00pm we had finally built a jump and were getting comfortable on it. My brother wanted to do a flip. He was flying down the slope toward the jump, when he decided to try a new trick instead. He fell and began rolling head over heels down the hill. Soon he had become a huge snowball. The snowball launched off the jump and flew all the way until it landed on our car. The snowball splattered all over, revealing my bro. A week later he said it was the funnest thing he ever did, but just then all he was saying was "wahoooo he ha howtch hee hah!" I wasn't sure, but I thought he was telling me to take him home, which I did; well...sorta. On the way home, I saw a patch of ice. I was a fast learner and so I did what I knew my brother would do: drive right onto the ice. When the car began to slide, I hit the brakes and turned the wheel. This time the car did not turn, it careened right off the side of the cliff! Stupid car!
When life flight finally arrived, they were nothing but a pain. All they could say about the fun I just had was that I should have put my bro inside the car instead of leaving him on the roof where he landed. Party-pooping paramedics!

Life in the Spotlight, episode list

Get caught up on all the "Life in the Spotlight" episodes here:
Part 5
Part 4
Part 3
Part 2
Part 1

Epic Adventures, episode list

Get caught up on all the epic adventures here:

Epic Skiing:
Part 3
Part 2
Part 1

Life in the Spotlight, part three

Now that Christmas is over (well, Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas) I will begin to relate my adventures with Al Gore.

Brock, Josh, and I got together for an emergency jam session to try and come up with a song. We had about ten minutes before we were going to be picked up when we decided to forget about the song and pack for the trip to Vegas. A half hour later an electric tricycle showed up in front of my house. That thing was so small! We all tried to get in at the same time with all our luggage, but before any of us even had a leg in, the whole vehicle tipped over on its side. After fifteen minutes of rolling the "car" around the front yard, we decided to leave everything but our carry-ons. Even then we couldn't fit the driver.

We arrived at the airport, jumped on board Gore's 747 and buckled down. After takeoff, Gore gave us a private tour of his Boeing. It was amazing! The plane had a fully loaded game room, a swimming pool, and even a bar. Al Gore also told us the airlimo was equipped with twice the turbines of the average 747 so it could travel faster, the only side effect of this improvement was that it made the plane 15% less efficient than a b-52.

We were in vegas an hour later. Gore forgot to get us food, but what was worse than starving was trying to get to sleep while Brock and Josh whined because they lost the toss and had to sleep on the floor. That king size temperpudic bed sure felt nice though.

When Gore came to get us the next morning, he realized that we did not have our instruments. How were we going to explain this?

Insane Insults #1: Singers

1. "Who needs to visit pier 39 to hear a seal bark when they can just listen to you sing?"

2. "Your voice sounds just like the cat I ran over the other day. Only the cat had the decency to die, whereas you keep on singing!"

3. "The sound of your voice is like the cry of a cougar echoing through a canyon."

4. "You should sing with a pack of dogs. They'd be a great backup chorus."