Starting a garden...

...is really easy; and you save money on vegetables. Right? That's what I thought until I tried it. Below is a record of how yet another of my bright ideas came to nothing:

It was a beautiful day as I sat in the shade watching the weeds grow. I was supposed to be getting my garden started, but first I had to make a plan. So there I was, sipping lemonade and sitting in my hammock on the back porch. I knew what I had to do first: rent a rototiller and get rid of those weeds. So I jumped in the car and flew to the nearest tractor store. As I walked around the store I questioned my motives for starting a garden. Maybe this wasn't so inexpensive after all. But then agai,n I guess I do spend more than $300 on vegetables every year. So I went ahead and rented the $300 rototiller. This wasn't any ordinary tiller either: it was self-driven. All I had to do was set what speed I wanted and off it would go. At least, that's what the guy in the store said.

When I got home I couldn't wait to try out this fancy tiller. I pulled it out of the back of my car and pushed it around to the backyard. Then I pushed the little bubbly thingy, pulled the little stick back, and yanked the big long string. I could tell this thing had power as it sat there purring away. Then I took hold of the shift stick and threw it into full speed ahead! The machine drove right across the back yard, plowing up the earth as it went, then through the back fence and across the neighbor's lawn, eating up chairs, barbecues, and anything else that got in its way. I realized I would have to start following it if I wanted to see the rest of the show, so I took off running. After going through the back wall of the neighbor's garage and out through their closed garage door, the tiller finally came to a rest after being hit by a special edition 2010 Cadillac Escalade.

Now I am sitting in my hammock on the back porch watching the weeds grow and writing about my adventures. After paying for the replacement of the rototiller, I have decided gardening is not as cheap as I thought. From now on I will be proud every time I buy a box of tomatoes, knowing I am saving thousands of dollars.

First race of the season

I admit it, I am at a loss as to what to write. I'm sure everyone knows this feeling well.

So, for this post, I've decided to share a race report with everyone. Although a race report isn't necessarily meant for humor, most people find them to be quite interesting...however, these people are fellow cyclists so they have more of an interest in reading how my race went. I guess this is pretty much an experiment on our readers so be sure to let us know what you think about reading race reports and we will post them every once in a while. Maybe we will add some video footage of the race just to add a little twist. Here it goes!

Here are some definitions so that you can understand the cyclist language:

Tempo: The speed and intensity of a cadence.

Cadence: The number of pedal rotations per minute.

RR: Road Race, usually 50-80mi.

Crit: Criterium, a short fast race around city blocks. Races usually average 25-30mph for 40-60 minutes.

Cat (5, 4, 3, 2, or 1): The category a cyclist is in based on their ability. Cat 1's and 2's are the fast, professional cyclists.

Climb: The main steep section of a race.

Field: The group of cyclists in a race.

Distance: about 43 miles
Time: 1hr 5min.
Place: 7th

This was the first race/real ride I've done these past few months so I was pretty pessimistic coming into this race. At the start there were not very many cat. 4's so the official combined the 4's and 5's to give us a larger field. The start wasn't very cold so I did not have to wear too much; it turns out I over layered and ended up too warm on the climb. The first few miles were really windy but we were still riding at a pretty good tempo. I stayed in the front but made sure to never let myself in the wind. Once we were officially in the canyon road conditions turned really bad, lots of erosion, silt, mud, water, boulders and rocks... many riders went flat because of the rocks and such.
As we neared the climb a group from the z-team started taking control and I knew they were setting up their climbers so I prepared myself for a good ol' suffer fest up the hill. Sure enough they attacked on the climb and splintered the field, I was a little bit back from the front but I knew I wasn't too far to make up the distance so I stood up and...wait!! I've lost my legs from the end of last season, they don't want to cooperate! The acceleration I was expecting from myself dissolved into a sea of anguish as I resigned to the fact that I would have to do my best and make up the ground descending. Descending on this death trap of a road?? Yeah, right. I ended up with a group of 6 on the way back down but they were inexperienced and working with them was more work than it should have been. I worked pretty hard for a while until I realized that we weren't going to catch the leaders so I decided to rest a little and do a bit of work every now and then. It turns out that even though my group wasn't very good at working efficiently they were really strong!! And I began to feel that I was becoming more tired than they so I stopped working altogether and hoped to hang on till the end. At the end we split up on the final climb and I ended up behind them early so I rolled over the line quite a ways behind all but one.
The good thing about this race is that I finished quite a few minutes before the main field so I am happy to know that early on this season I am a little stronger than most of the field. I am hoping to get some points and upgrade to 3 ASAP so knowing that I am ahead of everyone else is encouraging.

There it is. If you did enjoy it, let us know.

Shakespeare: A Shakescam

Shakespeare was a scam! Come to think of it, he still is! He is simply the face for the cheating industry of arts to hide behind! He never wrote a single play. Or tragedy. Or poem. Or comedy. Or romance. Or, well, you get the point. He was an illiterate bum, living off the hard work of others. He just sat around all day watching super bowl pre-plays and eating popcorn!

I am sure this is all old news to some of you, but nobody knows who really wrote all those long boring money grabbing works of "art," and I am nobody. Soon I won't be nobody though, 'cause I'm going to proclaim this to the whole world! Maybe I'll even make a movie! I will get so well known, I will become president and outlaw works by "Shakespeare." Maybe I'll even find his descendants and throw them all in jail!

So who really wrote all that Shakespeare stuff? His wife and kids! Not only was he a bum, he was a heartless slave driver, and his slaves were his family. He forced them to write, and when they wrote something that he did not like, he whipped them every hour for the next twenty-four hours! When they wrote something he did like, he published it under his name and got more popcorn money!

Eventually, his family got fed up. But they didn't do anything, except write some more. Finally Shakespeare's wife died and his kids all ran away. From that day until he died he had no food at all. Poor guy. I know what it is like to not have food and try to watch football. It isn't very fun. You sit there knowing the fridge is full of food, but you never go get some because then all your friends make you get something for them. So you all wait, and wait and soon everyone is passed out from hunger.

So I am calling for a world-wide boycott of Shakespeare! He is the reason there is never enough food for the football games. He must be taken care of, and then all us football addicts can once again live in peace!