Life in the Spotlight, part six

It was pretty easy to pull the wool over the head lifeguard's eyes. It seems they were short handed and needed someone real bad. The dude hardly even glanced at my papers before telling me I started in two days. He said my papers showed I had done some lifeguarding before, so he wouldn't bother going over my duties, except to show me where the lemon squeezer and ice were. So two days later at noon I was all settled in my high chair, shaded by an umbrella and sipping lemonade. As far as I could tell I was the only staff member there, so I didn't even pretend to be for real. The day went smoothly besides the few times some kids tried to climb out of the pool, but after some firm shoves and a little yelling I managed to keep all those brats in the water.
The next day is when it all happened. I was sitting on my throne, sipping my lemonade and controlling my pool with an iron fist, when some kid started screaming that he was drowning. Then my self-sacrificing instinct kicked in. Soon I had climbed down from my chair, ran over to the steps, climbed down the steps, and sunk to the bottom. Now it was an all out fight for survival. I thrashed, kicked and struggled for what seemed like hours, all to no avail. My life flashed before me in a time-lapse slideshow. Could this really be the heroic end to my wonderful life? No! I would never give up! I must complete my mission, impossible though it may seem. So I struggled onwards and downwards. Then it all came to an end as suddenly as it had begun. I felt my limp body being drug across the cement deck. I slowly and painfully lifted my eyelids. All I could see was a blinding white light. As the light faded, I became aware of three kids, not over ten years old, pulling me by the arms and head. Then my ears emptied of water and I heard a torrent of laughter that rolled on and on. Looking around I saw hundreds of kids rolling on the ground erupting with merriment.
After my brief encounter with the shallow end of the pool and what followed immediately thereafter, I have decided to retire from the lifeguard corps and find another career path to follow. I am still looking and any suggestions are welcome.

Life in the Spotlight, part 5

After a week of isolation in my apartment, I decided it was time to rejoin society (not that Brock and Josh were society, but they were the best I could find at the time). First off, I knew to get friends you needed money, and lots of it. The band had been my only way to earn money before, and come to think of it, maybe that is why Brock and Josh were my only friends. I set out on my search, walking north towards the Burger King I knew would be there. Every now and then I would pass someone walking the other way and say hi. The only ones who responded were carrying all there belongings on their shoulder.
I arrived at Burger King and asked the manager if he could hire me. His answer showed me he was not the kind of man I wanted to associate with, because one of the first ten words he said to me was "work." On my way home I asked for a job in a grocery store, a bar, a hair salon, a 24 hour fitness, I even got desperate enough to try a Waste Management base; apparently they weren't desperate enough to hire me. Then I walked past a public swimming pool. As soon as I saw that life guard sitting in that big tall chair, drinking iced lemonade and yelling orders to all those naughty little kids ten feet below him, I knew that was what I wanted to do. So I asked him what I had to do to get that job. He said all I had to do was show the boss some papers proving I had been through life guard training, and I would be on the job in less than a week!
I have never learned how to be a life guard, much less how to swim, but I knew Josh had been a life guard before, so I phoned him up.

Josh: Hey! Wanna be friends?
Me: Sup, this is Jelly
Josh: Never mind then. What are you calling me for? You're going to ruin my luck! I just got the lucky 7-7-7! I'm rich!
Me: All I need is some papers saying I'm a lifeguard.
Josh: Why are you calling me then?
Me: Because you told me before that you had some.
Josh: Oh, well I gotta go now 'cause I just lost some money and know it's because I'm talking to you.
Me: Wait! Just tell me where you live and I'll come by and get them.
Josh: I just know that will end my lucky streak, but if you promise never to talk to me again, then come by 40452 Orange Rd, Los Angeles California.
Me: You live in LA?
Josh: Not yet, I'm going to move there with all this money I won. bye.

The next day I drove down to LA and got the papers from Josh. I guess he lost all his money after he hung up on me, but he met me at the address he had told me anyways. Now I was set for life. All I had to do was sit in my chair, drink lemonade, yell at little kids and earn gobs and gobs of money!

Of Sumo Wrestlers and Panda Bears

The other day I was thinking...Who would win in a wrestling match between a Sumo wrestler and a Panda? At first I figured a Panda would win because it has claws and it probably weighs more. On second thought, however, I decided that a Sumo wrestler would win because he has experience in the subject. But then again, Pandas are so huge, the panda would just sit on his haunches chewing bamboo while the sumo guy aimlessly pushed, pulled and tugged. So, this really did not get me anywhere. (If you are still reading you are probably as bored as me).

Next I thought about whether a ninja would win against a sumo wrestler. Ninjas are so cool and fast that this one is obvious...the ninja would come out on top. Then again...the sumo wrestler is so armored in fat and grease that the ninja's kicks, punches and chops would either bounce back or slip by the slick surface of the sumo wrestler. (If you are still reading I now know that you don't have much to do or that you are really horrible at prioritizing your schedule).

The conclusion I came to is that Sumos are the best fighters from the Asian region. Of course there are tigers, but I wanted to compare animals that can sit and eat with hands or paws.

Sumos are the new Ninja!!! If you want to buy "I am Sumo!!" t-shirts, let me know!

First race of the season

I admit it, I am at a loss as to what to write. I'm sure everyone knows this feeling well.

So, for this post, I've decided to share a race report with everyone. Although a race report isn't necessarily meant for humor, most people find them to be quite interesting...however, these people are fellow cyclists so they have more of an interest in reading how my race went. I guess this is pretty much an experiment on our readers so be sure to let us know what you think about reading race reports and we will post them every once in a while. Maybe we will add some video footage of the race just to add a little twist. Here it goes!

Here are some definitions so that you can understand the cyclist language:

Tempo: The speed and intensity of a cadence.

Cadence: The number of pedal rotations per minute.

RR: Road Race, usually 50-80mi.

Crit: Criterium, a short fast race around city blocks. Races usually average 25-30mph for 40-60 minutes.

Cat (5, 4, 3, 2, or 1): The category a cyclist is in based on their ability. Cat 1's and 2's are the fast, professional cyclists.

Climb: The main steep section of a race.

Field: The group of cyclists in a race.

Distance: about 43 miles
Time: 1hr 5min.
Place: 7th

This was the first race/real ride I've done these past few months so I was pretty pessimistic coming into this race. At the start there were not very many cat. 4's so the official combined the 4's and 5's to give us a larger field. The start wasn't very cold so I did not have to wear too much; it turns out I over layered and ended up too warm on the climb. The first few miles were really windy but we were still riding at a pretty good tempo. I stayed in the front but made sure to never let myself in the wind. Once we were officially in the canyon road conditions turned really bad, lots of erosion, silt, mud, water, boulders and rocks... many riders went flat because of the rocks and such.
As we neared the climb a group from the z-team started taking control and I knew they were setting up their climbers so I prepared myself for a good ol' suffer fest up the hill. Sure enough they attacked on the climb and splintered the field, I was a little bit back from the front but I knew I wasn't too far to make up the distance so I stood up and...wait!! I've lost my legs from the end of last season, they don't want to cooperate! The acceleration I was expecting from myself dissolved into a sea of anguish as I resigned to the fact that I would have to do my best and make up the ground descending. Descending on this death trap of a road?? Yeah, right. I ended up with a group of 6 on the way back down but they were inexperienced and working with them was more work than it should have been. I worked pretty hard for a while until I realized that we weren't going to catch the leaders so I decided to rest a little and do a bit of work every now and then. It turns out that even though my group wasn't very good at working efficiently they were really strong!! And I began to feel that I was becoming more tired than they so I stopped working altogether and hoped to hang on till the end. At the end we split up on the final climb and I ended up behind them early so I rolled over the line quite a ways behind all but one.
The good thing about this race is that I finished quite a few minutes before the main field so I am happy to know that early on this season I am a little stronger than most of the field. I am hoping to get some points and upgrade to 3 ASAP so knowing that I am ahead of everyone else is encouraging.

There it is. If you did enjoy it, let us know.

Shakespeare: A Shakescam

Shakespeare was a scam! Come to think of it, he still is! He is simply the face for the cheating industry of arts to hide behind! He never wrote a single play. Or tragedy. Or poem. Or comedy. Or romance. Or, well, you get the point. He was an illiterate bum, living off the hard work of others. He just sat around all day watching super bowl pre-plays and eating popcorn!

I am sure this is all old news to some of you, but nobody knows who really wrote all those long boring money grabbing works of "art," and I am nobody. Soon I won't be nobody though, 'cause I'm going to proclaim this to the whole world! Maybe I'll even make a movie! I will get so well known, I will become president and outlaw works by "Shakespeare." Maybe I'll even find his descendants and throw them all in jail!

So who really wrote all that Shakespeare stuff? His wife and kids! Not only was he a bum, he was a heartless slave driver, and his slaves were his family. He forced them to write, and when they wrote something that he did not like, he whipped them every hour for the next twenty-four hours! When they wrote something he did like, he published it under his name and got more popcorn money!

Eventually, his family got fed up. But they didn't do anything, except write some more. Finally Shakespeare's wife died and his kids all ran away. From that day until he died he had no food at all. Poor guy. I know what it is like to not have food and try to watch football. It isn't very fun. You sit there knowing the fridge is full of food, but you never go get some because then all your friends make you get something for them. So you all wait, and wait and soon everyone is passed out from hunger.

So I am calling for a world-wide boycott of Shakespeare! He is the reason there is never enough food for the football games. He must be taken care of, and then all us football addicts can once again live in peace!

Epic Adventures, episode list

Get caught up on all the epic adventures here:

Epic Skiing:
Part 3
Part 2
Part 1